The way I looked into her eyes and saw a future. A future for all three of us, and the baby we could make together.
And I’d blown it. No matter what she said now, I’d truly blown it.
She’d be running scared, and who could blame her? What kind of desperate weirdo throws a few hundred grand at a young woman half his age and practically begs her to have his baby?
That’s how she’d see it, no matter what I said. Desperate. That’s how she’d see me. Because I was. I was desperate.
And it hurt so much more for loving her. For wanting her baby, not just a baby. Katie wasn’t just a womb, wasn’t just a pretty face and a smile. She wasn’t like the others. She wasn’t just a Never mind, Carl, we’ll try again, Carl. Just don’t fuck it up next time, Carl. There’s someone out there for us, Carl. We just have to find her, Carl. Keep your cool, Carl. Trust me, Carl, she’s out there. She’s fucking out there.
Keep my fucking cool?
We’d found her. And I’d lost her.
I’d fucking lost her.
I gripped the steering wheel tight, and kept my attention on the road. I felt sick as I drew closer to Cheltenham, the prospect of telling Rick rolling around my gut. The sky turned grey and heavy, the road dull as it stretched ahead. And I stank, of horse and hay and the bitter stench of failure.
I took a breath as I parked up on our driveway, fumbling in my briefcase to delay the moment I’d have to step inside. I took another long breath as I turned the key in the front door, bracing myself for the inevitable.
Rick was already waiting. He was still suited and booted from his client meeting, his hair slick and trendy and his smile bright. A bright purple tie over a pale pink shirt. Matching purple brogues. He had a bottle of champagne in one hand and a balloon on a string in the other. The string was bright pink, the balloon a huge daisy. Well done it said on one side. Good job on the other. It twisted and bobbed against the ceiling, taunting me with the irony.
Rick glanced behind me, eyes sparkling, waiting. His smile dropped as I kicked the door shut.
“Where’s our pretty lady?” he said. “I thought we were celebrating?”
I dropped my keys on the side. “She, um.” I couldn’t look at him. “She had bad news, about the yard.”
He took a step forward, I could feel his eyes burning. “Shit! What bad news? Is she ok?”
“Yard is up for sale, bank repossession, or close to.” I slipped off my jacket, hung it over the bottom of the stairs, fiddled with my cufflinks.
“So she can’t rent it from Jack anymore? Bummer. That fucking stinks, man.” He shook his head. “Talk about a shit end to the day. I bet she’s fucking gutted.”
The thought hit my belly, and it hit hard. “She was upset.”
Rick paced a bit, dropped the champagne next to my keys. His hand was on his forehead, rubbing. “She should have come home with you, we could’ve talked about it, worked something out. There must be something we can do.” He stared at me. “Maybe we could talk to the bank? With Jack, I mean. Find out what’s owing. Back Katie up with the rent money, let the bank know he has the cash coming in to clear some debt. That could work, right? It’s worth a shot.” He pulled his phone from his pocket. “Is she still with Jack? I’ll call her, tell her to come home.”
He’d pressed the call button before he registered the truth. His phone to his ear before his eyes met mine and stayed there.
“Except she’s not there, is she? You’d never just leave her there…” He cancelled the call, walked past me, opened the door. “Her car’s still here. Why would she stay at the yard without a car, Carl? What’s going on?”
I braced myself. “She needed space…”
And he knew. He fucking knew.
“What did you do?”
“She was upset. I tried to help.”
He let go of the balloon, I heard it bop against the ceiling. “Help?”
I walked through to the kitchen and uncorked a bottle of red. He followed me, hands open wide, demanding.
I poured a glass, downed it in one. “I offered to buy the yard.”