He went stiff behind her and then relaxed. “It’s okay. Take it out on me. You’re angry. I can handle it. I know what this feels like. You need to get it out or it will poison everything in your life.”
Rage threatened to bubble up, and it suddenly was too much. The day had been horrible. She’d been left with nothing. Nothing.
And she couldn’t scream. She couldn’t cry. She couldn’t breathe. It was right there. Her rage needed an outlet. Her fear needed to come out or it would drown her.
Her sorrow… It was hers and they’d taken that from her, too.
“Please.”
Hutch turned her in his arms and there were tears in his eyes as he looked down at her. “What do you need?”
“I can’t…” She could barely breathe. Her hands were shaking, and she wasn’t sure what was happening. The world felt utterly out of control.
Hutch’s jaw tightened. “I can. I can make this right and I will. I need you to understand that I will change the whole fucking world for you. I won’t stop. Not even if you can’t forgive me.”
His hand came up and tangled in her hair, giving her a bite of pain that sliced through her, forcing her to focus.
He was offering her his dominance, offering to take control, to pull out everything that was making her cold and unfeeling.
She shouldn’t let him. She should hold on to her anger, but in that moment, she wasn’t alone. She was back in that car, her whole future ripped out from under her, surrounded by wreckage, but a hand was there to help pull her out. She didn’t have to drag herself out. All she had to do was take this man’s hand.
All she had to do was be brave.
“I can’t tell you I’m going to stay with you.” She couldn’t make that decision. Or maybe she couldn’t say it because she also couldn’t imagine leaving him. The thought left a hole inside her.
“Then I’ll have to convince you because I love you, Noelle. You might not be ready to hear that yet, but it’s there. I love you and it won’t stop because you can’t love me back. I will always be here for you.”
She wasn’t ready to hear that yet, but she needed him tonight. She needed what only he could give her.
“I don’t want you to be tender. I need…I need you to make me cry, make me scream.”
“Because it won’t come out any other way,” Hutch said, his eyes taking her in. “I will help you. Always. I know exactly where you are, and I know how to bring you home.”
His hand twisted in her hair again, biting through the fog that had enveloped her.
She didn’t know where home was anymore. Maybe Hutch had been right in the beginning. Maybe the city was too much for her. Maybe she belonged back in Papillon where it was safe.
Except it wasn’t. Nowhere was safe. Nothing was promised. No tomorrow was promised. No happiness. No joy was certain.
“I don’t think I can trust you again,” she said, wanting to push him.
“Hush. You think I don’t know where you are? I do. And I spit every bit of bile I had when I came back. No one knows this but two weeks after I came home from saving Theo, I was ready to leave again. I didn’t know where I was going. I only knew I didn’t trust anyone anymore. I couldn’t sit there and watch everyone go on with their lives. So I quit and Big Tag…he threw me in his car and brought me here and he pushed me until we beat the shit out of each other. I needed that release. I couldn’t find it any other way, and then we sat down with Kai and we were bleeding and I couldn’t see out of one eye and I told them everything that happened to me. Things I’d sworn I wouldn’t tell anyone, and I cried. I’m not ashamed that I cried. Feeling emotions is what we’re meant to do, and I’m so glad Tag didn’t let me go. I’m grateful he didn’t leave me in that dark place alone, and he knew how to get me where I needed to go. I wouldn’t ever leave you alone.”
She didn’t want to think about what kind of a man Hutch was. Good. Loyal. True.
Had it all been a lie? If it had been, why would he