my head, slamming against my worry for Jamie and my anguish over Billy.
The front door opened and closed. I hurried out of the kitchen. Jamie leaned against the door, dressed in the same clothes as the night before. He looked exhausted and pale. His tie flapped from his pocket. When he saw me, he shrugged in a helpless way.
“Nate was here and told us you enlisted,” I said. “Is it true?”
He swallowed. “I couldn’t let him do it alone.”
And there were the eyes of my brother, that same honest blue. I couldn’t imagine him in a uniform. I couldn’t imagine him with a gun.
“We’ll get you out of this. You’re only seventeen.”
He didn’t say he didn’t want to get out of it, and that gave me hope.
“Why?” I asked. “Why did you do it?”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” he said. “Get away from everything.”
“What do you have to get away from? What, damn you? I’m the one with the broken heart!”
We stood in the dim light, staring at each other. There was a red crease across Jamie’s cheek, as if he’d slept on something that had pressed against his skin. He rubbed it slowly. “And you’re the only one, aren’t you?” he said.
“You mean Billy? It seems like he can take care of himself. How could you let him do that, Jamie? You could have stopped him!”
“How?” Jamie asked. He smiled without any humor in his eyes. “Maybe I just don’t have your charms, Kit.”
It was a nasty crack, even though I wasn’t sure what he meant. I nearly pounced on him, just like I would when we were kids, fighting over marbles.
I don’t know what would have happened if Da hadn’t stamped out from the kitchen and barreled down on us.
“How could you do this?” he bellowed.
Jamie looked down at his feet.
“From the time you were a boy, you were like a soft day — all mist,” Da went on. “Delia used to say, spend more time with the boy, he’s with his sisters too much. I guess I should have. Too busy with work and worry. And now I reap what I’ve sown. I never knew what to make of you. Well, now you’ll make something of yourself.”
“What are you talking about, Da?” I asked. “You’re going to get him out of it.”
“He’s claimed his manhood,” Da said. “May it make him a man. Let him pack his suitcase and go.”
“No!” I shouted.
Jamie shook his head hard, back and forth, back and forth, as if to drive out what he heard behind Da’s words. Then he turned around and went to pack. Da stood over him, his arms folded, watching until the suitcase closed. Then he shook his hand and told him good-bye.
He left a note for me.
Kit,
Sorry for all.
J
As if he didn’t even have the heart to sign his whole name.
I knew Billy was gone when I read his name in the paper along with Jamie’s and all the others who had joined up to fight in Korea to defeat the Communists.
Also in the paper, in a gossip column about Hollywood, I saw this:
We hear … that Jeff Toland is back in Hollywood and raring to go after his automobile accident on Cape Cod this fall. Don’t worry, girls, that gorgeous profile is still intact! Word is he’s inking a new contract with Paramount and in talks for the lead role of Harry Manning in “Manning Makes Good.”
Is that what Nate could do? Reach all the way to Hollywood and get Jeff a job? How many favors had he called in for that?
My last argument with Da had us standing toe-to-toe, screaming into each other’s faces.
“Let them make a man of him, let the army do it. God knows I couldn’t!” Da yelled, his face beet red with anger. “And you — no more working in nightclubs. What was I thinking, allowing that? No, from now on, it’s home after school and studying like a regular girl. I’ve lost control of this household. Thank the Lord that Muddie has a head on her shoulders.”
“That’s no thanks to you,” I said. “You didn’t raise us. We just lived in the same house as you.”
“I did the best I could —”
“The best you could. Delia was right — you lived off us and you lived off her.”
The words were out and I couldn’t take them back. Da turned away.
I went on. “So now you want to catch up, prove you’re a good father? You’re going