I’d lost you. I thought I was going to be arrested for what I did to Toland. Jamie and I drove around for hours. Then we got a little drunk. Suddenly, we decided that the army was the answer for both of us. I still don’t know why.”
“Have you heard from Jamie?”
He shook his head. “He hasn’t written. I think we both want to forget that night.” He looked down and away, his hands dangling. “The question is, can you? You said you were afraid of me. That was the worst thing I ever heard. The worst thing I could imagine.”
He looked so stricken, so lost, that tears came to my eyes. “I’m not afraid of you.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt him. I couldn’t see, I was so mad. And the funny thing is, I can’t even remember why. I was so afraid. I don’t know why I’m always so afraid of losing you.”
“You were so angry at me.”
“I’m never angry at you. I’m just angry. The awful thing is that people get in the way.”
“You keep saying I can help you, but I can’t, Billy. I’ve tried.”
He nodded. “You know something strange? The army is helping. I mean, basic is awful, you’re exhausted and you get yelled at all the time and you don’t know what you’re doing, but you can’t get mad. You can’t really step out of the lines, you know what I mean?”
“My father said that the army would make a man out of Jamie. It made me furious.”
He took a step away and walked to the window. His profile was sharp against the light. “I know, it seems like a stupid thing to say, like the army can just make you into something new, something better. But sometimes it can be true.” He turned around again. “I’m in basic with all kinds of fellows, from places I never thought about. I’m about to go over an ocean. The world is just bigger than I knew. Maybe I can see farther.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t know what I’m saying. There’s places I can be, ways I can be that I never thought about. If I make it through alive.”
I crossed to him quickly and put my hand over his mouth. “Don’t say if. Don’t ever say if. Say a prayer, right now.”
I prayed silently. Dear God, please let him live. Please. We’ll do it all over again, we’ll do it right. Don’t ignore me, God. Amen.
He ran his palms over my short hair, over and over, and then cradled my head against his chest. “From the first minute I saw you, it was you. It will always be you.”
The cloth of his uniform was rough and unfamiliar. I felt his heartbeat speed up against my cheek. I was conscious of everything — the vague street noise from outside, the ticking clock, my own breathing.
We were alone, truly alone, maybe for the first time. There were no parents, no friends, no brother, no sister. Just us.
He must have had the thought at the same time. His hands moved over my back and down to my waist. I pressed against him.
He pulled away slightly. “Let me just look at you.”
“I don’t have much time. I have to get to work in an hour.”
“You’re not going to work tonight?”
“I have to. You know that. I didn’t know you were coming —”
“What time do you get off?”
“If I can leave right after the last show, I can get out by three.”
“Three a.m.?” Billy’s arms dropped from around my waist.
“Three shows a night, seven days a week. This is New York — people stay up until four and five in the morning. Where are you staying?”
“At a buddy’s in Brooklyn.”
There was a short silence. I guess I should have offered him the couch. But that seemed just too much temptation for both of us.
“You should call home.”
“I know. But my mother will want me to take the next train up. I’m not ready yet. I’ll go up on Thanksgiving, I guess. The thing is, it’s awful to say, but I don’t miss home. Everybody knowing my business, calling after me, ‘Billy, where are ya going?’ ‘Billy, stop in, I got something for your mother!’ I couldn’t go five feet in that place without somebody stopping me from doing what I wanted. I’m sick of it.”
“So is the army so much better?” I asked, trying to joke.
“No,” he admitted. “It’s different. One thing about the army, it