turned to look at her, confusion clear in his green eyes. “They didn’t force you to have sex with them?”
She shook her head, swallowing the ball of shame that never seemed to go down.
“No,” she whispered, her eyes dropping to the cut on his arm. “I didn’t fight them. I let them.”
“You wanted to have sex with them?”
She shuddered. “No, but I didn’t let them know that. Jared and Oscar,” she swallowed hard, “would stand there and watch and laugh. Compare notes while I had sex with their friends.”
She dropped her hands from Noah’s arm. She felt like she was tainting him just by touching him.
“They would talk…during. But honestly, I don’t remember much of what they said. I just let them do whatever they wanted.”
He was quiet. That was almost worse than him calling her all the things she’d called herself in her mind. Maybe he didn’t understand what she was saying.
“I never fought them. I never said no. I just did what they wanted. Stuff…” She shook her head. She really would be sick if she went into specifics.
Now Noah spoke, his voice deep, hoarse. “Marilyn…”
“Don’t you get it? I did whatever they wanted. Never once even pretended to fight. They passed me around like some sex doll and I just let them.” She slid back from him as her voice grew louder. “Do you know why it finally ended? Because they got bored of me… They wanted me to fight and cry and scream but instead, I just laid there and let them use me, however many times they wanted.”
She was yelling now. The festering wound of what she had allowed was eating her alive. She scratched at her chest, wishing she could rip the shame and pain out from inside her.
“Marilyn.” He reached for her hand, his voice was kind, and she couldn’t stand it.
“No.” She jumped to her feet and backed away. “I was a coward! At least with what Jared did, I knew it wasn’t my fault, but this? This, I allowed to happen.”
He stayed on the steps. “Marilyn, you were raped. Every single time. You were raped.”
“Do you not understand? I wasn’t raped.” She turned away, continuing to rip at her chest with her hand. “I never said no!”
“You never said yes, either,” he roared.
It was the loudest she’d ever heard him speak. She turned to look at him. “What?”
He scrubbed a hand down his face, then took a step toward her. “You never said yes. That’s rape.”
She watched in complete shock as tears actually fell from this warrior’s eyes.
He reached a hand out toward her. “You were smart enough to know that the best way to survive the hell you were trapped in was to be quiet and not let them know how much they were destroying you. Doing that doesn’t make you a coward, it makes you a survivor.”
“But, I—”
“If you didn’t say yes and mean it, that was rape. If you did it to avoid physical harm, that was rape. It doesn’t matter how many times or with whom, if you didn’t want to be with them, then you were raped.”
More tears fell from his eyes. She just stood there staring at his outstretched hand. “You were raped, gorgeous.”
“I was raped?” she parroted back to him.
“Oh God, sweetheart, what you endured is so much more than enough. Don’t take on shame and responsibility that doesn’t belong to you. I know you haven’t talked to your counselor about this because she would tell you the same thing.”
“I was raped.” She grabbed his hand that he’d kept outstretched in front of him like it was a lifeline for her. That’s exactly what it was. “I was raped.”
The force of the sob that barreled out of her caught her off guard. The pain and anguish and shame she’d carried for years came out in a roaring wail.
Her knees buckled and Noah caught her before she could hit the ground. He lowered them the rest of the way with her in his arms, wrapping her against him as she sobbed.
Sobbed for all the humiliation she’d felt as those men had taken their turns with her.
Sobbed for the shame she’d allowed herself to carry for so many years.
Sobbed for the two other women who had fought but died.
Sobbed because she was here with this man who had cried for her before she could cry for herself.
She sobbed until she had no more tears, and still, he held her.