a snotty, pleading mess. Not when I didn't have room for anything except the misery inside. Not when the monster unleashed its temper. It was so furious, maybe even sad, that I'd tried to give us both a bit of peace.
It didn't seem to like that thought and it battered its fists against the sides of the well, cracking yet another brick. The old, broken block tumbled onto the vines surrounding the well, as I felt as though an explosion had been detonated inside. My insides shook, and my breathing ceased. All I want is silence. I need to not hurt, even for a few moments. I need it over.
Kian reappeared with a glass in his grip, and my heart leapt with hope. He knelt beside me before lifting my head so I could drink. The burn I craved didn't appear. Instead, only the sweetness of juice lingered in my mouth as the liquid churned in my gut.
“No, no, no. That won't work. Where are my tabs?” My pitch ended on a shriek.
“You took them all,” Kian whispered.
All of them? No, I always left at least one. Always.
“Lies,” I hissed. “Just one, Kian. You don't understand. You can't feel this. It's tearing me apart. The pain I told you about, remember? Please, Kian, please.”
A tear crept down his cheek and dripped off his chin when he, too, shook his head. Anger flushed through me as I moved again, searching for a position that was remotely tolerable.
“Get out! Get out!” I screamed.
“Let me try to help,” Kian said instead of moving.
“Do you have a tab? A drink? No? Then you can't help. You don't even want to, do you? Get out, both of you,” I demanded. Useless fools. I don't know why I thought they would cooperate. No one can understand. No one except me and the evil monster trapped inside.
They didn't listen. They started chattering on, but I ignored them as I tried to plan. Getting to Con like this wouldn't be possible. No, I needed to do something to get me where I could at least switch into my other form.
My stomach lurched as I pushed myself back up. That was all the warning I got before I vomited on the floor. Wavering, I expelled the sickeningly sweet juice I'd just drank. My throat spasmed, my nose ran, and my eyes watered as my body kept heaving with nothing left to rid itself of. Each violent movement only exacerbated the ripping that I felt in every part of me. Even my soul seemed shattered, and my mind formed visions of it littering the ground, sparkling in the gloom.
I'm so fucking pathetic. Why can't I just disappear forever?
I started to cry, my sobs interrupted by the heaving as I crawled through my vomit. Smearing it across the floor, I tried to make it to the bathroom. Exhaustion tugged at me, telling me to give up.
I can't. I can't. Just one more move. I only need to make it to the door. The door. Right there. Almost.
I bargained with myself to get a bit farther, one more movement of my knees, one more pull of my arms. Each time, it became harder, but I had to. I fucking had to. Why can't I just let go? I never let go. Why won't I allow myself to fade?
Hands touched my back, and the sudden blooming of rage gave me just enough energy to slap at them before it vanished, leaving me weaker than before. I collapsed onto my stomach, ratcheting my agony even higher, and a pitiful little sound escaped. Busy sucking in deep breaths, I almost didn't hear Kian.
“Zella, let me help you,” Kian pleaded.
“You refused, remember?” The words were bitter as they fell off my tongue.
“Just pick her up,” demanded Axton.
“Don't you do it,” I warned as I pulled again.
“Pick her up, Elite Grim Raster. That's an order.”
“You're a fucking pot licking asshole, Axton,” I spat when Kian lifted me from where I splayed out on the ground, exhausted.
“Cold water,” Axton said in response.
“No, hot water, Kian. I'm not drunk or high. I'm in fucking pain,” I begged.
Kian's brow furrowed as he carried me. My vomit transferred to his shirt, but he didn't even notice it. Instead, he stared down at me, his gaze following the tears that began to fall again.
How could I cry so much when my throat remained so dry? I loathe my body. I despise it. I hate me. So fucking weak. So useless. Why won't