Stay Gold - Tobly McSmith Page 0,62
way men did. But back in the day, it was wrong. Being a homosexual was considered a mental illness until the seventies. So, I denied it. Pushed it down. I had big dreams, and I wasn’t going to let anything get in the way.”
“You had to hide it?”
“Had to hide it, yes.” He frowns and looks away. “I traded in love for anonymous sex that left me feeling empty and full of shame.”
If that time in history was contentious for gays, I can only imagine how hard it was for trans people. How many didn’t transition, living life trapped in bodies that didn’t feel like their own.
Ted continues his monologue. “That was, until I met Lee on the set of Gigantic. He had a small walk-on part. We fell in love almost instantly. You don’t find that often in life, I can tell you that. Loving Lee changed every molecule in my body. I no longer cared about the fame and money. He made me insanely happy. I was ready to leave the business and start my life with Lee, but . . .”
I’m hanging on every word. “But?” I ask.
“But Hollywood wasn’t done with me. My agent blackmailed me. Good old Roy James. Piece of shit, Roy James. He’s dead now, so I can say that. I went to Roy to discuss my plan of quietly leaving Hollywood, naively thinking he would be happy for me, but his reaction was quite the opposite. He told me that if I quit, he would expose me for the faggot I was.”
Cigarette puff, drink of whiskey, cigarette puff.
“If he ratted me out, it would ruin my life. And more importantly, Lee’s life. I couldn’t do that to him. Or my family. So I ended things with Lee, giving no explanation. Broke his heart, which broke my heart even harder.”
“And you went back in the closet?” I ask.
“Yes, deep back in that closet. I hated myself. My acting was piss poor. My heart wasn’t in it. I did a string of wildly unsuccessful movies.”
“And you married a woman?”
Big Ted London laugh. “Asking the tough questions, Barbara Walters! Did you look her up?”
“Yes,” I lie.
“I married Roy’s secretary. All for show. She’s a lesbian, actually,” he says, putting his cigarette out. “We never consummated the marriage, if you know what I mean . . .”
“Yes, please don’t explain,” I say. “But you got to live your dream?”
“Sure did, kid.”
His words hang in the air, heavy. “I’m off to bed. This night has been a truly memorable one. I trust that you will keep what we discussed to yourself?”
“Yes, of course,” I say, watching him exit the room slowly.
“Ted,” I say before he gets out the door, “did you ever talk to Lee Grayson again?”
He turns around, and his face looks older than it ever has before.
“No,” he says simply, then leaves.
My phone starts ringing. It’s Max on FaceTime. I don’t want to pick it up, but I do anyway. I see Max’s face and a party going on behind him. He finds an empty room and shuts the door.
“Hi, Pony. Are you for real not going to post that petition?”
This is a pickle. I want to post it for Max, but I don’t want to cause suspicion with my new friends. They would wonder why I was so passionate about some trans girl at a different school. It was would raise flags, and I can’t take that risk.
“I’m not going to post,” I say, ready for the blowback. “It might out me at school. I’m sorry, dude.”
Max kicks something. “We need you, Pony. Can’t you see that? The trans community is tiny, and the war is big. We need every soldier on the field, and Pony, you are not on the field.”
“It doesn’t have to be a fight,” I say.
Max shakes his phone until all I can see are blurry outlines. I can’t make out what he’s saying, but it doesn’t sound complimentary. He calms down, and I can see his face again. “Pony, if we don’t raise our voices and make ourselves known, then we will continue to lose our rights. You too, buddy.”
“I’m sorry, Max. I don’t want to be known as trans. That’s not what I’m about.”
“Pony, it’s not what you are, it’s who you are,” Max urges.
As usual, when I need to say something, I can’t. All my words are somewhere else.
“Pony-bro, I need some space from you right now.”
“How long?” I ask, but he’s already opening the door and