Staccato (Magnum Opus #2) - E.M. Lindsey Page 0,31
figured you’d get it.”
“In certain ways,” Nik conceded. He understood it in the way that he grew up unlike everyone else, listening to quiet whispers, knowing everyone knew his business whether he wanted them to or not. Even the well-meaning kids hurt more than they helped, and he went off to college exhausted and ready to never, ever come back.
But fate was unkind.
“My mom got me a legal name change and surgery for my eighteenth birthday, which was pretty cool. And Stella never—if she thought of me as anything except her brother, she never said. But it was lonely, then my freshman year of college I met this guy who was listening to me play my shitty acoustic guitar. He invited me to hang out with his band, and for the first time, it felt like I was myself—just…on my own, without needing my family to tell me that it was okay to be myself. For them, being trans was one of the things on the long list of existing as a walking protest against the status quo. I was just this guy—who was a little different, but different made me better. Does that make sense?”
Nik thought about the first time he set foot in a big city without Van or his parents by his side. He thought about his mother’s tears and Van’s frustration that he’d have to keep her calm while Nik was gone. He thought about that first apartment in the city—the size of a closet with a kitchenette and a counter barely large enough to hold his kettle, and he remembered the absolute freedom in breathing air he chose to breathe without checking in with someone first.
And the first time he had to navigate someone’s ableist shit, or the first time someone grabbed him without his consent and there was no dad or big brother to back him up, and no mom’s shoulder to cry on, made him feel brave. He thought it would hurt more, but instead, it took a weight off.
When she died, her last words were fear that he wouldn’t be able to make it on his own—because of her mistake. But he knew then, without hesitation, without a doubt, he would.
He was home because Van needed him, and their father was sick, and that’s just what children did as their parents aged and died.
“Sorry,” Nik said when he’d been quiet too long.
Adam huffed a small laugh. “I’m not gonna lie, stoic silences right after you come out as trans to someone are not usually a sign things are going well.”
Nik gave in to his desire to touch and found Adam’s wrist before dragging his fingers down and twisting theirs together. “Thank you for telling me. For trusting me. Not sure what I did to deserve or earn it, but I hope you know it means a lot.”
“It’s not that serious,” Adam muttered, but Nik heard the deflection in his tone, and he just squeezed his hand tighter.
“I’ll never understand your journey, but I can relate a little bit,” Nik told him. “People are terrible, and even when you think they won’t let you down, they do.”
“Is that why you won’t date?” Adam pressed.
Nik’s mouth quirked in the right corner. “Men who find out I’m blind either try too hard, or they try too little. And they date me because they’re either desperate to prove they’re super cool with the fact that I’m disabled or because they have a fetish. There’s rarely an in between.”
“But there are some?” Adam asked, his voice a low almost-whisper.
Nik shrugged. “There are. I don’t trust easily, and I guard my pride selfishly. When I find good people—genuine people, I try not to let go.”
“Oh,” Adam said, and Nik felt his calloused thumb stroke over the top of his hand. “Is that…”
“Yes,” Nik told him. “You’re one of them.”
Adam blew out a puff of air, then laughed. “Can I tell you something funny? Ironic—whatever. I never really get that word.”
Nik squeezed his fingers. “Yes.”
Adam hesitated a moment before he spoke again. “I’ve been on testosterone for years. I’m…you know, pretty passing, I guess. I have facial hair, my eyebrows are bushy as hell, I lost most of the roundness of my face that my sister still has. But people always get fucked up when they hear my voice. Like I’ve been called miss—to my face—with a full beard—after someone heard me talk.”
Nik’s brows furrowed. “That’s…wow.” He blew out a puff of air. “That’s terrible.”