The Spark - Jules Wake Page 0,89
were fourteen, I felt I’d got you back. But Lynn kept insisting on family gatherings, and as you got older, I knew that you went round there.’
‘Shelley’s like a sister to me,’ I said, feeling a little helpless realising that Mum’s antipathy to Lynn ran much deeper than I’d ever realised.
‘I don’t blame you. Lynn’s always been more fun.’ Her mouth drooped.
It was hard to disagree with that, but a certain loyalty forced me to speak. ‘But you’re my mum. And I know that I come first with you. Shelley will always be Lynn’s first priority. Just like I’m yours.’
Unexpected gratitude shone in her eyes. ‘I’m never sure that you realise that.’
‘Of course, I do.’ I lied because until that moment I hadn’t been, but now I could see that her nagging, her desire for me to do better, her concern that I found the right man, all came from a good place.
‘But maybe you need to start putting yourself first for a change.’
Her appalled expression almost made me laugh.
‘Seriously, mum. Stop worrying about me. I’m happy. I’ve got everything I could wish for.’
‘You’re a good girl, Jess. I’ve not been the best. I’m sorry I fell apart when I should have been there for you. I’ve been trying to make up for it ever since, but it just seems to make me even more worried I’ll get it wrong.’
In that moment I felt I’d crossed a threshold. I could see exactly what she’d been doing, and why she’d been they way she had. For the first time our roles were reversed, I the adult, and she the child, and I saw I needed to protect and her and look after her.
‘Mum, why don’t we do things differently from now on? Why don’t we be honest with each other about our feelings?’
She looked at me a touch of suspicion darkening her at eyes at first, before they brightened with wonderment.
‘You know, talk, really talk, about things in future. I’ve been at fault for not always really telling you how I feel about things, for fear of offending or upsetting you.’
‘That’s very generous of you.’ She took my hand. ‘I’m not sure I deserve it. I’ve not been the best parent.’
‘Yes, but you’re mine,’ I said squeezing her hand. We had a long way to go but today I felt we’d taken the first step in the right direction.
‘Does this mean you’re going to stop moving my ornaments around every time you visit?’
I burst out laughing and my mum’s eyes actually twinkled with amusement. ‘Yes, I promise.’
‘Why don’t you tell me more about Sam? I really liked him, you know. I had a lovely chat with him at Gladys’s wedding. It’s such a shame he’s not been selected, I don’t understand it. Douglas and I agree, he’s one of the most talented young batsman either of us have seen. It doesn’t make sense.’
‘You know me, I know nothing about cricket. I know he practises a lot.’ I sat up suddenly triumphant at my knowledge of a cricketing term. ‘In the nets. Every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. And I’m glad you like him. He’s special.’ My voice softened with love. He really was special, and mum liking him was just the added icing on the cake. I realised I’d been unconsciously looking for her approval for a long time.
‘I am very proud of you, Jess. Just not very good at showing it. It’s not everyone who can do the sort of job you do. It is extraordinary. I worry for your safety, but I think that those women are very lucky to have you on their side.’
‘Wow, mum.’ I swallowed down the lump.
She hugged me – a proper, impulsive full-on hug. ‘I love you.’
It was the first time I could ever remember her saying it to me. There was time enough to ask her about Dad; now I was going to savour our tentative steps towards a proper relationship.
Chapter Twenty-Three
As we stepped over the threshold, immediately attuned to the low hum of a party in full swing, we both glanced left to the Jack Vettriano print on the wall.
‘Looks straight to me,’ said Sam with a wink, his face lighting up with sudden mischief. The moment of shared recognition chased away all the nerves that had been simmering in my system since the moment I’d woken up that morning. Although I felt much better for having been to see my mum.
The previous day’s emotional showdown had left me shaky and worn when