doesn’t matter. Talking or not, the expressions on their faces say it all.
I want to disappear into the ground.
Because the thing is, even if I didn’t do what they’re accusing me of, I’m still guilty. No matter how loudly I insist I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, that doesn’t change what happened. I did hurt someone—Asher. The nicest fucking person I know.
And I can’t take that back.
What’s the point of having all this magic, all this power at my fingertips, if it only hurts people?
Instead of going to the library, I veer left, away from other people and toward the woods. It’s almost dinner time, so most people won’t be out here; they’ll be buckling down on studying for finals or thinking about getting food.
Maybe I shouldn’t have come here at all. Maybe I should call the Circuit and have Aurora come take my magic away permanently. Leave the academy and try to find some kind of peace with a magic-less life.
Ever since I came to this school, I’ve had girls with the emotional maturity of twelve year olds jumping down my throat, have made a mess of my confusing relationship-not-relationship with Roman, and have managed to push away or physically injure the three best friends I’ve ever had in my life—and that’s not even counting the attacks on students and the murder.
This whole thing has been a disaster, and a lot of that has to do with me. With who I am, with how I handle things. Maybe I should go back home, rent a little apartment and get my old job back or find a new one, and figure out what I’m going to do with my life. Going to school here is just staving off the inevitable freak-out over what I’m going to do for a career anyway. Maybe this whole time, I’ve just been using magic and drama to hide from that.
It’s time I face adulthood.
My cell service is actually pretty good out here in the woods, and as a side bonus, nobody can hear me and eavesdrop on my conversation. Hoping she’s free, I find a large rock to sit on—Cam and I have run past it a lot in the mornings—and call Maddy.
She picks up on the third ring. “Ellie?”
As soon as I hear her voice, the tears that’ve been threatening all day spill over. I wipe them away with the back of one hand, swallowing hard before I speak. God, I miss her.
“Hey, Mads, how’s it going?”
“Great!” I can practically hear her smiling, and the weight on my chest lifts a little at the happiness in her voice. “Having lots of fun. Nothing really crazy to talk about… I wish I had some hilarious story for you or something, but it’s all just been same old, same old.”
“Learning magic has become same old, same old to my little sister.” I chuckle dryly. “What is the world coming to?”
“Very funny.” She snorts. “How’s it going with you?”
I take a deep breath, bracing myself. “Here’s the thing, Maddy. Um. I’m going to be leaving.”
There’s a long pause on the other end of the line, as my sister probably wonders if she’s heard me correctly.
“You’re… you’re leaving?” she whispers. “Why? Is everything okay? Are you hurt? Are—”
“I’m fine! Don’t worry about me. But there was an accident. I messed up.” It makes me cringe to talk about it, but I explain what happened in the dining room. I don’t mention the student being murdered, though—I don’t want to worry her.
“It sounds to me like that wasn’t your fault,” Maddy says firmly. “You didn’t make those cuffs come off. And you said it burned you like it burned everyone. How is anybody supposed to think when they’re in that kind of pain? It hurts, you don’t know where the danger is coming from, and you want it to stop, so you’re not really thinking clearly. And your magic just goes off. You had a fireball coming at you! That’s terrifying! And even if you didn’t hurt Asher, someone else easily could’ve. You don’t know.”
“Maddy—”
“It was an accident.” Her voice brooks no argument.
Shit, I know that tone. Mads is my sister, and just like me, she can be stubborn as hell once she gets an idea in her head.
“An accident that could’ve been deadly,” I insist. “I can’t risk something like this happening again.”
“But that’s exactly the reason you’re there! To learn to control it.”
“Or I could just get it taken care of so I never have to