school, probably. There was literally nothing about my body I could be proud of.
I sighed, dropping my gaze to my lap in the darkness. I shouldn’t be thinking about those things. I shouldn’t let myself think like that, of course—but knowing I shouldn’t hate myself and following through with self-love and good thoughts were two very different things. I was no good at complimenting myself or loving myself. It’s not who I was.
Thankfully, once the movie began, I was able to focus on the big screen and not the handsome man to my left, nor the way Michelle and Kyle were cuddling over the armrest to my right. All I had to do was get through this romcom, and the drive home, and then I’d never have to do this again.
Never. That, I swore to myself. If Michelle ever came to me and asked me to do something like this again, I would let out a disbelieving laugh and tell her to fuck off.
Well, maybe I wouldn’t word it exactly like that, but you get the drift.
The theater was about half-full. This particular feel-good movie had been out for a few weeks now, so it wasn’t new or anything. Still wished we could’ve seen something else, but nothing about this night had been of my own design, so why would the movie choice be any different?
Calum’s elbow knocked into mine on the armrest sometime during the movie, and I quickly yanked my arm to my side, rubbing it. The man didn’t even apologize, didn’t even look at me or mouth the word sorry. He looked miserable sitting beside me, his mouth drawn into a thin line as he watched the screen, clearly trying to drown himself in the movie, just as I was trying to, before we’d touched.
I turned my gaze back to the big screen, but my mind was already lost. I wondered what it would feel like, to be dating someone and then break up. It was an experience I’d never had, like many others. Had to have a boyfriend before you could break up with one, you know. There was a chronological order to things.
I imagined it would be sad, depending on the type of breakup. I couldn’t imagine more sadness piled onto my life, so it was probably a good thing I never really gave dating the old college try. Yes, being a twenty-year-old virgin who’d never kissed a boy was a little embarrassing, but it wasn’t like I went around and advertised it to anyone who would listen. Michelle knew, but she was my sister. That was it.
Having sex, cuddling and kissing…I was human, I did wonder what all that felt like, whether physical embraces like that would help to make me feel more alive, but that would involve letting someone else in, letting them get close. I didn’t think I could handle the heartbreak that would follow when they inevitably left.
Because they would. If given the choice, no one would stick around me longer than they had to. Michelle was only forced because she was my sister, Mom and Dad the same.
My heart felt sad in my chest right then, and I fought to refocus on the movie ahead of me. I probably cried more often than I should; it was impossible not to let tears take over when I felt like everything was pointless, that my life wasn’t worthwhile, but I could not let it happen here.
Yet another good thing about spending every night in my bed, alone. No one was around to see or hear me cry.
The movie was cute, I had to admit. It involved a bit of a switcheroo on the cliched movie roles. Instead of the girl being new to the big city, it was the guy. And, big shocker, the woman was the boss and acted like a total bitch until the hero finally saw her vulnerable side and inevitably fell in love.
Most humans I thought wanted to fall in love, to be in a relationship, to spend their lives with someone else. Living by yourself, with no one around but your inner thoughts…it was lonely.
Calum and I were forced to sit and wait for Michelle and Kyle to be ready to go. Kyle, I guess, had this thing where he had to sit and watch the credits roll, just in case there was an after-credits scene or two. I guess a certain string of movies were popular for that, for teasing the next movie in those few