about the grocery delivery service getting his order wrong, I took his list with me next time I went and had them sent to his Crown Heights apartment.
Somewhere between that and now, we became each other’s family. It was like we scented the loneliness in each other. Mine was by choice, his…I couldn’t tell exactly. He’s divorced with an ex-wife and kid in Delaware. He’s talked about the kid coming to visit every weekend since I’ve known him, but it’s never happened.
He’s old enough to be my father, but he hasn’t let that stop him from stepping into that role. I press a kiss to one of his smooth dark brown cheeks
“Okay, I gotta go, or I’ll be late,” I say and turn to hustle up the stairs before he can stop me again.
“The group you love, “Blue Clover…saw them on Good Day New York just now. They dropped it as a surprise - part of their tour announcement. They were on good morning America today and I caught it.”
My swallow is audible, and I clear my throat to disguise that it’s a because I’m nervous. I haven’t told Joe about Carter. I can’t. I don’t think he’d understand. “That lead singer looks a lot like the man in that painting you’ve got hanging up.” he says knowingly.
I turn and start back up the stairs. “Hmmm, that’s a coincidence. I know the song you mean. I do love it and I didn’t know there was a video,” I say with a casual smile. “Okay, I really gotta go. I’ll catch you later,” I call over my shoulder and run up the stairs as fast as my feet will carry me.
I didn’t really forget about the video going live today.
I couldn’t. Blue Clover is my secret obsession. I listen to that song on repeat all day at work. I watch all their interviews and I’ve been watching the YouTube highlights from their release tour.
He’s why I’m rushing today. I watched the clock all day, counting down the seconds until I could come home. I wanted to be alone the first time I watched it. Just in case I needed to cry or scream… or any other overreaction that I wouldn’t want anyone else to see.
I shoulder open the door of our apartment and even though I’m in a rush, I take a second to savor the slightly irrational swell of pride that I feel every time I step into the studio.
It’s beautiful - with big windows that let in light all day long. I slip my shoes off before I step off the mat at our front door and drop them on the small rack I bought just last week. The newly renovated with honey blonde laminate wood floors are warm from the sun’s attention and still smell of the lemon cleaner I mix myself. Because I don’t pay rent or spend time with the man who does, cleaning it myself makes it feel like it’s mine. I love knowing that the sparkle in those windows wouldn’t be as brilliant if I didn’t put it there.
I drop my keys and the bag of groceries onto the stone countertop that more than pulls its weight by serving as a work surface, dining table and at times, a place to lay my head. When I finally sit down and pull my phone out, my heart is beating out of my chest.
I don’t know why I’m dragging this out, I’ve been waiting for this all day. But I know there will only be one first time that I get to see his first music video and I want to savor all the emotions I’m nearly bursting with.
Pride, mainly. Because the whole world is singing his song - our song, and it’s glorious. They are famous. Like…really famous. Tickets to their show at the Barclay Center sold out in less than two minutes. And apparently, it’s like that in every city they’re visiting.
My hands shake as I open my YouTube app and type in Blue Clover - Between Now and Heartbreak.
The thudding of my heart has turned into a drumbeat that reverberates through my entire body and my thumb trembles in time to it before it finally lands on the play button.
The video starts and my heart shoots off in my chest like a rocket.
It’s me…or at least a girl who looks like me - dancing in a black bathing suit, short hair, port wine stain and all - in front of a huge bonfire.