“I can’t!” I cried, hugging my belly. “It comes with too much guilt, and too much confusion. It feels so right and so wrong all at the same time. If we’re ever going to be together, I don’t want to feel guilty about it.”
He didn’t argue back, but I heard the distinct thump of his forehead hitting my door. Finally he said, “Do you think that’s even possible? Do you think any of the firsts you have after Jonas are going to feel right? Or do you think maybe…”
I held my breath, waiting.
“Maybe you just need to jump in? Rip off the Band-aid? Wade through the…conflict?”
I winced. “I’m not going to use you as an experiment. You don’t deserve that.”
“I’m asking for it!” He pounded on the door again. “I’m asking you to be brave enough to let me love you!”
“I can’t lose you as a friend, Sean.”
“Then trust me when I say I will always be here. I will always be your friend.”
He paused, maybe waiting for me to respond, but I didn’t have the words. Not yet. I didn’t know if I could be that brave, if I could risk what felt like the most vital relationship I had.
“We’ll always be friends, Libs. But we could also be so much more.”
I got up and walked over to the door. But I didn’t open it. I wasn’t ready to open it yet. Instead I laid my head against it. “I’m sorry,” I said through the door.
“Sorry for what?”
“I’m sorry I’m being unfair to you. I’m sorry that I used you just now.”
“How did you use me?” He sounded genuinely confused.
“I was…extra sad. And I just wanted to feel something good.”
Silence for a moment, then, “And did it feel good?” There was a teasing note to his voice now.
I laughed through the tears that continued to threaten, then nodded to myself. “Yes. It was…” The feeling of being kissed by Sean swept over me again, leaving my heart thrumming and wishing for more. But all those good feelings were quickly chased by the guilt.
So I stayed put, my head and my hand pressed to the door that I couldn’t bring myself to open.
After several minutes of strained silence, I heard a deep sigh. “I’m going to go pick up something to eat, okay?”
I swallowed hard, then forced myself to talk. “Okay. Thank you.”
The sound of his footsteps retreated, and I heard the back door open and close.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
The look in your eye as your finger traced my jaw
The sadness that swam in those pools of blue
I want to heal the hurt and fill the flaws
I could make you whole, just let me love you
—Sean Amity
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Naomi picked up on the fourth ring. “Hey, Libs.”
“I kissed him!” I confessed without preamble.
“Good for you!” She sounded so excited.
“No, not good for me,” I argued. “Bad for me. Very, very bad.”
“Why?”
“Because!” Did she not see all of the problems with this??
“You’re going to have to do better than that, Libby. He adores you and you’re falling for him. What’s the problem?”
“It’s been less than six months! Moving on with another man would be a huge betrayal.”
My own words seemed to echo back at me for a moment before she responded. “I can understand how it would feel that way. But you’re not tossing Jonas aside. You’re never going to not love Jonas, Libby. So if you’re ever going to be with anyone else, you’ll need to figure out a way to make room for both.”
I scoffed at her simplistic suggestion.
“I know,” she conceded. “Saying it and doing it are very different. And I’m not going to pretend that I have any comprehension of how difficult that will be.”
I stared up at the sky, trying not to wallow in the bitterness of my widowhood.
“So,” she continued. “If we make the assumption that it could easily feel like betrayal no matter how long it’s been, can you tell me the other problems?” She sounded so maddeningly reasonable.
I shut my eyes for just a moment and breathed deep, trying to mentally store away that huge boulder of an issue before putting my other fears into words. “You know how messy relationships are. You know how they can destroy friendships. Sean is my lifeline right now, and if I screw things up with him, I will have no one.”
She was quiet for too long before saying softly, “You’d still have me.”