me. You were always there. You held my life together with two hands and sheer force of will. For years, you did that. And I”—he cast his eyes to the ceiling for a moment—“am in awe of that. I don’t know how you did it. I don’t know how you lasted that long. And then when you did leave me alone, you—my precious friend—didn’t actually leave me alone.” His head bobbed just a little as he nodded to himself. “You sent my mom back to me. The selflessness that must have taken isn’t something I can even comprehend. And I never got to thank you for any of that.”
I blinked, floored by the honesty and sincerity rolling off of him. “I couldn’t—” I sucked in a breath, trying not to lose it. “I couldn’t just leave you to drown. I couldn’t—”
“I know. And that’s what I’m trying to do, too. I don’t want you to drown, Libby. And your burden is so heavy that I’m afraid you will if you don’t have someone to hold you up.”
Did I need him for that? Was I not strong enough to do it myself?
“But what if—” I gulped.
“What if what?”
“What if you leave?” My voice shook.
“I won’t.”
Lies, my inner voice jumped up to say. “You have a job. You have a career. Your life is in New York, Sean. It’s not in North Carolina.”
“It is now.”
“You can’t promise that! What if you get too tired? What if it’s too much?”
His eyes went so soft, it took my breath away. “You’ll never be too much for me.”
I pressed my lower lip into my upper and blinked at the ceiling as I swallowed. He said that now, but he couldn’t know. “That’s what I thought too.”
I turned and walked away once again. A few moments later, I heard the door open and close, leaving my guilt to settle across my shoulders. A part of me hated that I was treating him this way, but it was what I had to do when it became too much. I said something to remind him of our broken past and then I turned my back on him. Because somehow feeling alone felt right. Jonas was gone, so wasn’t I supposed to feel alone and wretched? Accepting Sean, his friendship and his comfort felt like I was taking the easy way out. And I didn’t want the easy way out. I wanted Jonas. So I kept shoving Sean away.
And he just took it. He never fought back. He never took cheap shots at me. He just absorbed my blows, and I wondered at what point he would tire of being my punching bag.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
I stood there on your doorstep
Asking you to let me in
Your face was white
Your hand was cold
Your frame was far too thin
You don’t trust me, that’s just something
I’ll have to work to earn
I’ll prove my love
I’ll guard your heart
Take care to heal the burn
I’m not leaving this time.
I’m not leaving.
—Sean Amity
CHAPTER TWENTY
He showed up again the very next day. I looked through my peephole and saw him there, waiting to see if I would answer his knock.
I did. I opened the door and he offered me a smoothie and a smile.
That smile. He hadn’t smiled like that for months before I had left him. But somehow, five years later, the smile I loved, the one that made his eyes shine and his nose crinkle, was back. Just like the healthy glow of his skin and the fitness of his body. It all spoke of changed habits and positive results. I wanted to trust the evidence in front of me that begged me to believe in him, but bad habits were hard to break. Grudges were hard to let go of, and the pain of unhealed hurts couldn’t be ignored indefinitely.
He held the smoothie up a little higher, reminding me that I hadn’t taken it from him.
“Thanks.” I took the offered drink and stepped aside so he could enter.
“You let me come in again.” He wasn’t gloating, just…stating the obvious? Acknowledging that this was significant?
I didn’t know, so I decided to make light of it. “Well, I couldn’t have you standing out there, drawing a hoard of raving fans to my door.”
He gave an easy smile when I looked at him for a reaction.
“Really, though,” I continued. “If you’re serious about living here for any amount of time, how are you going to function without paparazzi camping out on your lawn?”