took me seriously. I started texting Nick, demanding to know if you were okay or not.”
I blanched. Nick hadn’t said anything about that.
“At first he told me. He would text that you were fine and then send me a middle finger emoji.” His laugh held no real humor, only derision. “But this morning when I asked for the third time, he just said, ‘If you want to know, you’ll have to come see for yourself.’” He rolled his lips in, biting on the insides, holding himself in check. “And he was right,” he confessed. “The fear of losing you and the knowledge that I hurt you really did a number on me.” His eyes were red, almost haunted. “I didn’t know which way was up. I didn’t know which impulses to follow and which ones to reject. But when I went back and read the texts you had sent me, I realized that you were right and I just hadn’t been willing to hear you. I was being a coward. I wasn’t protecting you by running away. I was just giving in to my fear. And I knew that I couldn’t live my life constantly wondering if you were okay. You will always be the most important thing in my life, and it would be the greatest regret of my life if I let you go.” He climbed two more steps.
My heart hurt from the effort of containing all the love and anger and confusion he stirred up inside me.
“I love you too much to let someone else take care of you. That’s my job. If you’ll let me take care of you.”
I breathed slow and shallow for several seconds, desperately wanting to let him back in but terrified. “I thought—” I had to swallow back my emotion. “I thought maybe you’d gone off the deep end again. That you weren’t talking to me because—”
“No.” He shook his head vehemently. “I didn’t touch anything. I didn’t self-medicate. You know I’ll always be fighting that fight, but I’ve got the tools now. I’ve been doing good.”
“I know you have.” Which was why his disappearing act had been so jarring.
“But I’m still going to mess up in other ways. I’m still going to be stupid once in a while. But I will do my best to make sure it’s not often. And I will never put you through anything like this again.” The confidence in his voice soothed my tattered heart a bit.
I swallowed twice before I could look him in the eye and speak. “There will be more paparazzi. There will always be people who want more of you. But leaving me will never fix it.”
“I know. I know you’re right.” He was only four stairs away from me now. “I was just so scared for you. And as much as I try to tell myself it’s not my fault, it feels like my fault. And before, when you left, us being apart was the right thing. So I thought maybe you would always be better off away from me. I thought that was the right thing.”
“But it’s not.” I stepped down the remaining stairs that separated us, taking his face in my hands so that I could press my forehead to his, tears dripping down my face. “Please tell me you’re done thinking that. Please tell me I’m not going to have to worry about you walking out on me for my own good.”
“I won’t. This is where I’m supposed to be.”
“Good. Because this is your one do-over, do you hear me? Don’t let anything convince you that leaving me is the right thing. I need to know that you’re not ever going to abandon me out of some stupid sense of obligation.” My chin quivered as the terror of that possibility ate at my chest. “Please don’t do that to me.”
“I’m sorry.” He finally reached for me, pushing one hand into my hair as he wrapped the other around my lower back and kissed me. “You can’t know how sorry I am.” He kissed me again. “I’m so sorry they did this to you. I hate that I left you alone in that hospital. I’m so sorry. I’m so incredibly sorry. I was just so scared.”
I cut him off with a kiss of my own. I didn’t want any more apologies. I wanted to be wrapped in his arms. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to know that he was here for good.