finding this. There should have been some excitement. Instead the pit in my stomach simply deepened.
I pinched the corner of the folder between two fingers and pulled. The tab read “For Libby,” and my heart dropped further. I used one finger tip to flip the folder open.
It was papers, mostly full sheets, but also some torn scraps, napkins and bill envelopes. All had writing on them. I realized they were lyrics. It took me several minutes to appreciate what they really were.
Some were dated. I recognized one date from when he’d been in rehab. I told you I’d be better/Now I have to write this letter/Tell you how I earned this fetter/With a life that’s bruised and torn. Some lyrics I knew from songs he’d recorded and included on his albums. Others were entirely unknown to me. But as I went through them, it became clear that all had been written about me, or for me, or to me. Don’t take the scars of bitter hate/You’re so much more without my weight.
Some were apologies, begging forgiveness. Some recounted memories so poignantly that my heart broke a little more. Others described me—my personality, my face, the slope of my neck and the curve of my hips—heat rushed to my cheeks as I read some of them. They were incredibly flattering, but I worried that his view of me was a little too rosy. How could I live up to that?
And would he even give me the chance?
I slumped onto the bed and pulled out my phone, looking over the string of unanswered texts that I’d sent him over the past twenty-four hours.
Me: This isn’t fair, Sean. You have to call me.
Just text back. Tell me you’re okay. Something.
I don’t understand you. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you are. That’s all you’re doing.
What am I supposed to think? Are you never going to speak to me again?
This is the coward’s way out. Yes, I’m calling you a coward. Don’t be a coward, Sean. Please?
Maybe the texting was too impersonal. Words on a screen could be read in so many different ways. Perhaps I should go back to leaving him voice messages. But somehow that felt too much like begging. For all my desire to chew him out, I knew that I’d end up dissolving into a mess of weeping, and oddly enough, my pride wouldn’t allow that.
I decided it was time for a different approach. I pulled up Randy’s number and sent him a text.
Me: Where is Sean?
Randy: I’m sorry, Libby, but I can’t help.
Me: You owe me.
Randy: I know, but I still can’t help.
Me: That’s it? After everything, you’re really just going to say nothing?
Randy: I have to answer to the boss, Libby. I really am sorry.
Me: Is he at least okay?
Randy: Okay enough to give me orders, and I have to listen.
Me: I really hate you sometimes.
Randy: I know, kid. Hang in there.
Randy calling me “kid” in no way improved my mood, and I was seething by the time Nick walked in to check on me.
I spoke before he was able to say anything. “Do you swear that you don’t know where he is?”
“I swear. I don’t know his location. I’ve asked many times and he won’t tell me.”
I sniffed in derision. “Is he still paying you? I’d hate for you to be working for free.”
“Don’t worry about me. I’m covered.”
“Great.” That word rang with a hollow quality. Nothing was great.
I stood, leaving the guest house and the folder full of songs behind.
I had to find dinner. I had to eat and drink. I had to take care of myself so that I could take care of my baby. This was the end of day one without Sean. How many would there be?
♪♫♪
There was no need for me to be standing watch over Joanie’s crib, humming away. She wasn’t prone to waking up once she’d fallen asleep, but still I kept humming, preparing to sneak out as quietly as possible. Maybe it was a control thing. My life consisted of unstable chaos right now, and making sure that Joanie remained asleep was something that felt within my control.
Even over the sound of my humming, I heard the car that approached the house. The noise was out of place, which was probably why I noticed it. There were very few people who would be able to get through my gate. It must be someone Nick knew and trusted.
Louisa? Debbie? Naomi hadn’t gone out for anything, had she?