are feelin’ it too verra much, and ye are in need of askin’ forgiveness.”
I flounced onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. “Forgiveness of whom? How is any of this my fault? I just wanted to help and... You know what? It’s fine, she’s going to be back at Christmas. I’m sure of it.”
“I dinna mean tae upset ye. I am tryin’ tae help.”
“I know. I get that. It’s just an impossible situation. Unprecedented. I’m just going to jump back and forth for a while. It’s going to be hard, and painful...”
“How can I help ye?”
“Warm coffee, when I get home, a warm bed, and you. You just be here. That’s all I need.”
Sixty-seven - Hayley
Christmas Eve I shopped on Centre Street, I spent hours doing it, going from store to store, buying so many presents for Isla and Archie and Ben. I called Emma every three minutes to ask if they needed this or that and frankly she was a little exasperated by me asking so often while she was trying to get her own shopping done. At one point she snapped, “Hayley, just buy Christmas crackers, if they’re a choking hazard we’ll hide them, but I can’t make any more decisions, I’m nauseated and standing in line for stocking stuffers, and—”
“I can do that for you, I—.”
“I’m already doing it, but just... I’m sorry. I’m irritated. I just... this is my first time with a break in days and my break is to go shopping, which sucks. Just, I won’t judge you, get whatever...”
“Okay, good, I’ll get more than necessary, I’m cool with that. But also, maybe go to a coffee shop and sit and relax and let me do more shopping. I want to help...”
We had a big dinner and Isla was sitting in Emma’s lap, quiet, with no crying.
I said, “It’s a freaking Christmas miracle.”
“She’s over the colic, mostly, which is good.” She raised her voice, because in the background Archie was howling over something and Beaty was attempting to soothe him.
Emma finished, “Because Archie needs all of us to rally, his needs are epic right now.”
We put out the Christmas toys just before midnight and had fun, a few drinks, a few laughs, a little relaxation among all of us. As everyone headed to bed, I turned out all the lights, saying as Zach went to their room, “What time do the little terrors wake up?”
“Usually around 6:30.”
I said, “Do you know what I’m thinking right now?”
“Something about how crazy we are to have another?”
I joked, “That does not sound like me at all.”
Katie wasn’t there in the morning. I mean, we knew it, had known it, but it was true. After the presents, when the grownups were in the kitchen talking, I said, “It doesn’t feel like she’s coming, like I should be able to tell, and I don’t feel anything at all, like they’re off radar.”
The awful part was that everyone agreed.
Whenever I was in the past, Fraoch kept asking me why I wouldn’t just jump ahead far into the future, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to cement that time. What if I missed her? I couldn’t bear the thought, so in the beginning I just had to keep checking, a week or so in between. A week here, two weeks there. My jump hangovers, even with the vitamin regimen, the go-go potion, were getting worse. Coupled with the sadness, I was a freaking wreck.
Fraoch and I went riding. We could only do short trips, because it was getting cold, growing into winter.
I was quiet, one day, looking out over the valley from the headland where we first used to go and sit and talk — my favorite view. The wind was blustering up the hills, bringing the crisp smell of a cool winter day, the sky had all the shades of grey in patterns across it. The castle seemed very small it was so far below, shrouded in mist. Fraoch asked, “How are ye feelin’?”
“Not good, sad.”
“I ken.”
“I did pray, it helped a little.”
“I am glad.”
“Doesn’t the castle seem empty now?”
“Tis because it is cold, everyone is inside tryin’ tae get warm. The soldiers are gone, the tents, the weapons.”
“I don’t know, it’s hard to describe. Watching it is like the center of gravity is gone, the heart of it. Without my best friend calling it home, and without Mags standing in the great hall telling some ridiculous story about his exploits, without that — what is there?”