Sisters - Michelle Frances Page 0,91

perhaps some nice sandwiches and fruit – but instead a wicker basket was placed on a stand beside their table and they were left to discover the contents themselves: potato and rosemary crispbreads, sliced salami and hams, fresh tomatoes and olives, tiny milky mozzarella balls, little dishes of truffle-infused honey, pieces of pecorino cheese. They ate, the ever-present mountain breeze keeping them cool.

Susanna had said very little since she’d been taken into the womb-like calm of this retreat and she was aware her mother might be expecting something.

‘Thank you,’ she said, ‘for doing all this.’

Kathleen waved her thanks away. ‘Just a small thing, a token.’ She paused. ‘Considering how much I have to make up for.’

Susanna tensed. Now the subject had been touched upon, she knew her mother was waiting. But Susanna felt her insides curl in apprehension and she kept quiet.

When it became clear her daughter wasn’t about to speak, Kathleen continued. ‘We should’ve still given you money, when you got married. Certainly after your divorce. You always think making the point is the most important thing, sticking to your beliefs. Then when you get older . . . well, who cares? What good did digging my heels in do? Who gives a shit, quite frankly? It was petty and I’m sorry your father and I couldn’t see past our outrage.’

It made Susanna nervous. Her mother’s admission was extraordinary. She thought back to the years and years of struggle and loneliness, the feelings of abandonment.

‘Do you’ – she had to pluck up the courage to say it – ‘do you still think less of me for going against your wishes? For marrying Danny?’

Kathleen looked at her and Susanna forced herself to hold her mother’s penetrating gaze. ‘He wasn’t the best choice, was he?’ said Kathleen. ‘But I understand. You probably couldn’t wait to escape from us. I don’t blame you, actually. Anyway, Danny’s not really the issue. It’s Ben and Ellie and what happened to them.’ She paused. ‘You must have been desperate.’

Susanna swallowed. Was this how easy her mother thought this was going to be? Hook her in with a sympathetic question and she’d capitulate into a confession?

‘I’ve told you, Mother, I didn’t give Ben and Ellie anything. It was Abby. She was fiercely jealous of her siblings from the minute they were born. I think her father’s absence had a lot to do with it.’

Kathleen smiled. ‘I understand why you feel the need to continue denying it. Fear, certainly. Not just at admitting the truth to yourself but also of what you think I might do with the information. The answer is nothing. It’s not going to help anyone if you go to prison for killing your own child. Not now. When it comes to Ellie, well, she obviously already knows one of you was out to get her. But you two have had a good relationship since. I’m certain she’d forgive you.’

Susanna sighed. ‘There’s nothing to forgive.’ She was unsettled by her mother’s insistence and looked out at the view. A villa was perched on the edge of the hillside, its outlook directly facing the sea. It was one of those idyllic places you saw in travel magazines.

Kathleen followed her gaze. ‘Beautiful, isn’t it? Imagine living somewhere like that, waking up to the ocean out of your window every morning.’

Susanna stiffened.

‘Timing’s not right, obviously. I haven’t even kicked the bucket yet. But it’s all possible.’ She waved a hand out towards the view, an infinity of blue. ‘Anything would be possible.’

Then Susanna felt her mother lay her hand over her own.

‘I just want to know what I caused,’ said Kathleen, ‘what my actions have ultimately been responsible for. I want to look my sins in the face. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Whatever you’ve done, I’m not going to let you down again.’

Susanna turned to her then, saw the imploring expression on her mother’s face.

‘It would be a brave thing to do,’ said Kathleen, with genuine reverence. ‘Braver than anything I’ve ever done.’

Susanna felt a glow of recognition, a taste of the parental approval she’d craved her entire life. She yearned for more – to have the sense of inadequacy, the knowledge she’d been a disappointment, taken away forever. All she had to do was meet her mother’s open arms and allow herself to melt into them.

SIXTY-SEVEN

Susanna lifted her glass of sparkling water and took a sip, mainly to buy some time.

‘You’re trembling,’ said Kathleen.

Noticing her hand, Susanna immediately put the glass back down on