The Single Mums' Secrets - Janet Hoggarth Page 0,8

news reminding me why I was infertile. The past could stay where it was. It was bad enough broaching the Disneyfied version of events. Anyway, it was such a loaded conversation to be having on what was essentially our first date. Experience had taught me the sooner you got it out of the way, the sooner you knew which direction you were facing. Though of course, that wasn’t always the case.

‘Of course, Christa, I’m so sorry. I know this is a mad discussion to be having this early on.’ Tom rolled onto his side and stared at me. I could feel his gaze so I turned to meet it. ‘I like you, and I believe you like me. This feels like the start of something a bit out of the ordinary. I’d like to go along with it unhindered by future outcomes.’

‘I feel the same… but one day this might be an issue.’

‘It also might not. As I said, I don’t want children yet. To be honest, I’d not really thought about it until you brought it up. I’ve just qualified; my career is everything right now. But you saying what you just said flagged up something I’ve yet to contemplate in a serious manner. It’s highly likely I will never want children too.’ He gently stroked my face, tracing his thumb across my lips, stopping at my scar. The thorny word, ‘yet’, flashed like a warning beacon on top of the iceberg while the Titanic steamed relentlessly towards it. Bugger, there was every chance I was already in love…

*

‘Oh.’ Usually garrulous Ali seemed uncharacteristically stumped for words as we sat in her kitchen eleven years on from that initial conversation. Early on, most people had been almost fervent in their belief I would change my mind once my clock had well and truly begun ticking like a time bomb.

‘How do you know you don’t want them, love?’ Mum had asked when all my friends started having kids before they even hit thirty. ‘Even if you can’t conceive naturally, they can do all sorts of wonders these days. Don’t let that stop you if you want a family.’ Her favourite addendum was: ‘You won’t know how you’ll feel if you meet the right man.’

I couldn’t get it into anyone’s head that it wasn’t about a man, or changing my mind, or any of their business, so I gave up eventually and just ignored the unrequested probing into my private life.

‘So Tom wants children?’ Ali probed.

‘He does now, yes.’

‘So he didn’t when you met?’

‘He was undecided and as time went by, I believed he would err on the side of no because he knew I couldn’t conceive naturally and also I didn’t want them, plus we really loved each other. But he slowly realised he did want a baby. Especially when his younger brother started a family three years ago. It ignited something dormant in him. He tried to win me round, get me to try clomid pills, suggested IVF, counselling, said he would be the one to go part-time at work, but it was never going to happen. I had told him at the very beginning how the land lay, and like the few before him, he thought he could change my mind. We took time out for a bit, but neither of us were really ready for that finality, until now.’

‘That’s hard.’

I nodded. Looking back, I had loved him so fiercely, but after the mithering about a baby, and his obvious disquiet that he stoically dragged around with him, resentment on my side had started to rear its ugly head. He’d known it wasn’t as black and white as it had looked and that even after all this time, I’d still not admitted what also lurked behind my certainty. He’d never pressed for more clarity on the subject, maybe sensing that if he had, it would’ve brought down the guillotine on any sliver of hope that I could be persuaded.

I began to stay out late with my friends, only returning when I knew he was asleep, staying in the spare room so I didn’t have to connect with him. There had been no dramatic shouting, no throwing of pots, no last shag, just a divvying up of who wanted what, asking friends not to choose (though a lot of them invariably did), and the erection of a desolate For Sale sign.

It had been heartbreaking but so gradual, like turning up the gas on an unsuspecting frog in a pot