The Single Mums' Secrets - Janet Hoggarth Page 0,78
the night before. Louise gazed at the last of Winnie’s sunflowers stretching towards the light, almost tearing themselves from their loosely tied stakes. Nature always reached for the light. We all should, Louise thought briefly before she answered.
‘Yes, today is a better day. The kids went back to school and Isaac is in nursery this morning. And we had the scan yesterday.’ Louise had briefed Winnie all about Christa having the baby with the sexy yet unavailable Carl and her postliminary decision to live with Louise for an unspecified time before and after the baby. ‘Christa moves in on Saturday and Carl’s helping her. The kids are so excited. They don’t know about the baby yet – we’ll tell them once she’s told our parents, work, and all the people who don’t know. I think that will blow their minds.’
‘You’ve got a lot going on there. This baby seems to be a big focus for you…’
Louise snapped her eyes towards Winnie.
‘Winnie…’
‘Lou Lou.’
‘Spit it out.’
‘All I’m saying is don’t put all your eggs into one basket. This baby won’t be staying with you for ever. It’s not a magic talisman against all those hideous feelings you’ve got going on at the same time. Remember to allow the grief to rattle your bones like it wants because it will come at you twice as hard after Christa and your niece or nephew move on.’
‘They might never move on,’ Louise said defiantly. ‘They might love it so much that they decide to stay for ever and we become old maids like something from a Jane Austen novel. You can join in too!’
Winnie laughed and squeezed out a ginger nut from the packet on the table, offering one to Louise.
‘Didn’t you ever try and escape the black hole?’ Louise asked, taking a biscuit. ‘It’s always there; sometimes I need a break.’
‘Yes, of course I did, and I still do. I visit the boys and babysit their kids. Go to the church, my grief group, and I’m hoping to start at the food bank next month one day a week. But I can’t block it out completely for huge swathes of time. I would need to jack up on heroin or drink a bottle of rum a day. And even that wouldn’t work in the end. Small things ease it. Helping others works. One thing’s for sure, my world has shrunk in the last few years. Grief can mess with your head and stop you doing things you know are good for you, like seeing friends, or going out rather than hiding from the world. I know I’ve got lazy, but somehow the thought of making all that effort feels too much some days. You’re still at the very beginning, Lou. Be gentle with yourself and just allow it all. Some days will be a dark fog even with Christa there. You’re coming up to six months – be mindful of that. I slipped backwards then, but not everyone is the same. Keep an eye on yourself.’
‘I wish it would just fuck off,’ Louise spat. ‘I want it to be five years from now and for me to feel normal. Even on a good day, it’s there.’
‘Just five years?’ Winnie asked. ‘What is normal anyway? Tell me about the scan. Is the due date still the same? How was Carl when he saw his baby for the first time? I’m dying to meet him. He sounds like a dish!’
‘You’ll have to come to the baby shower, or lunch. I’ll engineer a meeting.’
Louise settled down, talk of the scan lifting her spirits.
‘Oh you should have seen it, Win. Valentine looks so cute, even on a scan. Carl was overwhelmed I think…’
*
‘It’s so clear,’ Carl said in wonder. He’d leaned in for a closer look, reaching his hand as if to touch the screen where his baby had appeared suddenly all too real. Louise had asked that morning if it was still OK to come.
‘Are you sure, Christa? I don’t want to tread on Carl’s toes.’
‘You’re not treading on anyone’s toes. I want you there. You’re my sister and we’re going to be living together. It’s important you’re involved. Now if Carl had asked could Lara come, that would have been a different matter!’
Louise didn’t know how this strange ménage à trois was still holding together. Lara must be made of stern stuff, which boded well in Louise’s eyes. In a funny way, if Lara was a potential wife/life partner (as she may well end up being),