The Single Mums' Secrets - Janet Hoggarth Page 0,72

courses, though they were more biased towards women’s health rather than babies’.

‘Yes! I’m not a cave dweller, Christa. I was going to be a dad before, but it didn’t work out.’

‘Carl, I’m so sorry. I’m being hugely twat-like.’

He laughed softly.

‘I had no idea.’

‘Janey had a miscarriage. We found out at the three-month scan. Then she died before we could try again.’

My own journey to motherhood stood down, humbled by his revelation.

‘Carl, I… I… That’s so sad.’

‘Yes, but now can you understand: I am here, and I want to be here? I was so happy to be a dad in a family with Janey, thinking it would curb my drinking. Then it all fucked up, then I monumentally fucked up, but as we know, all of it was relevant to bringing me here. Maybe my ideal of wife and two kids isn’t necessary. Maybe this is how I have a family. So please believe me when I say I’m committed to this, our baby and however we handle it. Let’s make a pledge to make it work.’

Bollocks, my eyes were leaking.

Carl leapt up, almost tripping on the coffee table. ‘Christa, don’t cry. It’s OK.’ He awkwardly patted my knee.

‘I cry at everything these days,’ I croaked wiping my eyes.

‘Are you OK? I’m probably going to annoy the shit out of you for the next few months asking you that.’

‘Carl, you said all the right things, don’t worry,’ I muttered sitting back against the sofa cushions, inching my knees away from his. ‘I want to make it work, but I don’t want to get in the way of you and Lara. I think she’s a lovely girl… It’s good you’re with someone so nice. It makes this all a bit easier for both of us, clean boundaries et cetera, so please let her know I’m not interested in pursuing something that isn’t there for the sake of the baby. As far as I’m concerned, she’s a plus point.’ And I meant it. Lara felt like some kind of insulation against the pressure to ‘make a go of it’ I knew was going to hit me once I announced this to the people in my world.

‘You’re not in the way, but I’ve no idea which way this is going to go with Lara. I’m telling her tomorrow. It’s a bit of an odd one because it just got a bit more serious…’

Even though I could sense a wordless invitation to probe further, I didn’t take it. I preferred my nose out of their relationship. It was too much of a post-modern threesome already (Han-Leia-Luke but in reverse) without me knowing intricate details of their love life.

‘Have you even thought of names?’ he asked finally when I’d failed to take the bait.

‘No,’ I said bluntly.

‘Honestly, not even one?’

I shook my head.

‘Is it because you’re waiting to see what sex the baby is?’

‘No. I genuinely haven’t because this still feels like it’s happening to someone else. Louise calls the baby Valentine, but other than that I have no idea.’

‘Valentine – that’s a cool name.’

‘And I am kyboshing it right now.’

‘I thought you hadn’t thought about a name!’

‘I’ve thought about names I don’t want!’

‘I like Algernon for a boy and Moonunit for a girl.’

‘What?’ I screeched in mock horror.

‘Not keen?’ He laughed, his eyes twinkling, teasing me.

I shook my head.

‘We should have dinner once a week. Let me cook for you,’ he said as I tried to protest. ‘Lara will have to get used to the fact that you’re here and I need to support you too. You’re on your own in that house until you move. It’s the least I can do. And if you need me to get shopping for you, let me know.’

Words wedged themselves in the base of my throat. I had to cough to release them.

‘Thank you, Carl. That’s a real help.’

*

‘So, Carl has told me about the baby,’ Lara said carefully the minute I nervily sat down on the sofa where the scene of the crime had occurred. Carl had rung about an hour after Lara had arrived at his, asking if I minded coming over for a ‘chat’. She perched on the edge of the armchair while Carl paced the floor in front of the window, almost carving a groove in the engineered oak floorboards.

‘Why don’t you sit down, Carl?’ she said, a slight edge to her voice.

I was surprised by her apparent composure. Carl meanwhile looked like he was going to unravel. He must really like her. He