The Single Mums' Secrets - Janet Hoggarth Page 0,124

tugged at Carl’s anxiety that had crash-landed as soon as they’d returned to Louise’s after hospital. Was he still breathing?

Carl watched Christa lift a mewling Valentine out of his basinet and latch him on to her left breast with the ease of someone who had years of experience. She winced as he grappled her nipple with his tiny bird-like mouth and then they settled back in the bed, a pillow wedged underneath her arm, supporting her as she held him.

‘I should have mentioned it, and I’m so sorry.’

‘But you broke up with her ages ago. You’ve been lying to me the whole time. I hate stuff like that. Why did you do it?’

Carl fidgeted. How could he explain the underhand machinations of his brain when he didn’t totally understand them himself?

‘I overheard what you said about me and Lara at Center Parcs, about how you’d rather parent alone if she wasn’t there, and I panicked.’

She scowled at him as Valentine nestled into her breast and Carl endeavoured to suffocate the voices clamouring to be heard in his head. When Louise had rung to say they were rushing into hospital, that Christa was bleeding, the surging fear that he’d experienced when the young policewoman had reported Janey’s death threatened to overthrow him. He imagined the worst in the cab on the way to King’s, even though Louise had reassured him. If glorious Valentine hadn’t made it, he’d guessed that Christa would have faded from his life for good.

‘Only now it feels super awkward…’ Christa blasted. ‘I don’t know how to be, other than an exhausted mum who wishes things had simply remained the same. If you’d told me at the time we could have worked out how to reposition ourselves and our boundaries instead of being thrown into a new dynamic while I was in labour. It’s such a head-fuck.’

‘I know, but I couldn’t ignore that you’d said you wanted to be on your own if I wasn’t with Lara. That’s what I took away from your conversation with Louise. I guess I was terrified you wouldn’t let me be at the birth or stay here and help afterwards. I was just protecting my immediate position, nothing more than that, I promise. Even if Louise hadn’t found out, I would have had to tell you at some point. It wasn’t like I was going to lie for ever, was it? Now that would have been the work of an evil genius!’

He pulled a funny face, trying to make her laugh but Christa just huffed, silently stroking Valentine’s head.

‘Can’t we just see how it goes? Nothing has changed. I’m still here; we’re not together, Valentine is the most important thing. The only thing that’s changed is Lara isn’t my girlfriend any more.’

‘I guess we have no choice.’ She sharply swung her head away to gaze out of the window. Even though he hadn’t really done anything wrong, Carl felt like a worm. Though this didn’t even touch the nadir of post-binge horrors, reliving the previous twenty-four hours in insidious drip-fed flashbacks throughout the day. It just highlighted the need for transparency at all times. Even the smallest of lies can snowball until they’re taking down trees and houses as they pick up size and speed. He’d ring Keith, his sponsor, later to check in…

‘Do you need anything?’ he asked for want of something to say, hoping they could move on.

‘A cup of tea would be great thanks, and some water.’

She wouldn’t drink the tea; it would grow cold like all the others. He felt it was her way of making him feel useful.

‘Can you write down which breast I started on too?’ He whipped out his phone and noted it down on the page dedicated to the rotation of boob milk supply.

*

‘Baby!’ Isaac had cried when they’d brought Valentine home from the hospital. ‘He’s so cute!’ Isaac suddenly seemed like a giant.

‘I knew you would call him Valentine in the end!’ Gemma announced knowingly. ‘He looks like one, anyway.’

He did. His son’s face was possibly the sweetest thing Carl had ever seen. He couldn’t get over how perfect he was and could have stared at him for hours. Not a hairless cat in sight. Carl was overcome with the primal urge to protect; he would have done anything for Valentine. And Christa.

Valentine obviously cried a lot, especially at night, and only Christa could stop it by feeding him. Carl put in the hours burping and rocking him after each feed, pacing round