Next was Will Kerrell. Nervous at the best of times, he glued his eyes to his notebook and read in a rushed monotone, “ ‘Those Beasts are into heavy metal music, and everyone knows that if you play that stuff backward, it will make you eat the head off a bat, and then you’ll run into the street screaming and your eyeballs will explode and your brains will go everywhere!’ ”
“Who said that?” asked Serena.
“My cousin Charlie,” Will told her. “He’s in high school.”
“Well, he’s absolutely right,” Serena said. “Unfortunately, heavy metal is old news.”
At this rate, Ivy thought hopefully, I just might get the assistant job. She took a deep breath and raised her hand.
“Let’s hear it,” invited Serena.
“My quote is from Franklin Grove’s very concerned guidance counselor, Mr. Reginald Slipson,” Ivy said. “Mr. Slipson has long suspected that something is very wrong with students in Franklin Grove. According to him, this latest incident at the graveyard was a perfect example of the sinister problem that is threatening our community.”
“This sounds promising,” Serena murmured. Sophia looked at Ivy encouragingly.
“Mr. Slipson has done some digging into the school records,” Ivy continued, “and he’s noticed a disturbing pattern. It appears students aren’t getting enough sleep at night. In fact, he would bet that Franklin Grove has more students falling asleep in class than anywhere else in the nation!”
“Why?” asked Serena.
“Yes, why is that?” asked Principal Whitehead.
Ivy raised her eyebrows. “I think you’ll all be shocked by the answer,” she said. Then she paused for effect and cleared her throat. “I quote Mr. Slipson directly: ‘What, exactly, are these students doing when normal people are in bed? Horrible things. Unnatural things!’ ”
Serena Star’s eyes were wider than Ivy had ever seen them. Ivy leaned back in her seat and shared a triumphant look with Sophia.
After a second, Serena said, “Don’t stop there.”
“W-what?” Ivy stammered.
“Tell us the rest of your quote. What kind of ‘unnatural’ things?”
Ivy hesitated. She had really hoped that what she’d read would be enough to do the trick.
“Go on!” Serena insisted, and Sophia looked at Ivy hopefully.
Ivy read Mr. Slipson’s quote in its entirety, her voice getting quieter and quieter as she went along. “ ‘What, exactly, are these students doing when normal people are in bed? Horrible things. Unnatural things! Eating junk foods packed with additives, listening to portable music devices, surfing the Internet, playing video games, watching satellite television beamed from the sky. This insomniac epidemic is destroying our youth!’ ”
Serena tapped her pink fingernails on the table. “I liked the beginning,” she said, “but then you lost me. Help me out here. Is the scoop that kids are staying up late?”
“Exactly,” Ivy agreed.
Serena nodded. “I was afraid so.” Then she added, “What a snooze.” Everyone laughed.
Ivy pressed her hands into the table. “The truth is sometimes less sensational than we imagine, Ms. Star.”
“I know,” Serena said. “Isn’t that the worst?”
Ivy closed her notebook, trying not to look defeated. She knew that her quote wasn’t what Serena Star was hoping for, but maybe the beginning would be good enough to get her the assistant job. Or at least, Ivy thought doubtfully, convince her that there’s no deep, dark secret in Franklin Grove.
Soon the only person left to try out was Toby. He pulled a leather briefcase up onto the table and said, “Before I begin, allow me to thank you, Serena Star, for this extraordinary opportunity.” Then he opened the briefcase and pulled out a single piece of typed paper, as if he were about to present an opening argument before the Supreme Court.
“I owe my quote to the dental profession,” Toby began, stowing away his briefcase. “And, more specifically, to my dental hygienist, Ms. Monica Messler.”
Serena was not looking impressed.
Next to dentistry, my quote might not seem so boring after all, Ivy thought, brightening.
“Allow me to explain,” Toby continued. “I was at a dentist appointment yesterday afternoon, when a repeat of the morning edition of The Morning Star came on the television above my chair. Ms. Messler, who was cleaning my teeth at the time, said that she recognized Garrick Stephens. He had recently come to the dentist’s office.”