head held high, but if Neil rejected me, there were no two ways about it. I’d be devastated. How I felt for him was stronger than how I’d ever felt for anyone else, and I didn’t know if I’d get over it if he didn’t want to be around me anymore.
Neil still slept as I moved away from him and shuffled out of my sleeping bag. The hot water bottle had long gone cold, and the chilly morning air hit me fast. I grabbed a hoodie from my bag and pulled it on over my head.
When I emerged from the tent, I quickly went to pee and freshen up as best I could. I’d only slept outdoors for one night, and already, I felt like I could do with taking an hour-long shower when I got home. The survivalist life certainly wasn’t for me.
When I returned, Neil was up and dressed. I found him outside, sitting on the ground while he tied his shoelaces. The tent had already been partially disassembled, and oddly, I was relieved. It meant he planned on leaving soon, and that was fine by me. I was all up in my head, almost paralysed by my fears of rejection and of losing him. The tent was a reminder of all the ways my heart had lit up and soared last night when he pressed his lips to mine.
“Morning,” he said cheerfully as he came and walked towards me with a warm smile. He bent and pressed a kiss to my temple, his hand coming to rest on my shoulder. “I hope you don’t mind that I started packing up early. I have a few things to take care of back in London, so I wanted to get on the road as soon as possible.”
“No, that’s fine. I have to stream later today, so I should be getting back, too.”
He glanced down at me, and he must’ve sensed something was off because his eyebrows drew together. “Are you feeling okay?”
“I’m fine,” I lied. “I think sleeping on the flat ground has just made me feel a little worse for wear.”
“Right. Me, too. Next time, we’ll have to invest in an air mattress or something.”
“Next time?” I asked. “You actually intend on going camping again?”
“Of course. I’ve enjoyed this,” Neil said, eyes focusing on me curiously. I stepped away from him a small distance, clearing my throat.
“Well, just give me a few minutes to say goodbye to Adam and the others, and then I should be ready to go,” I said, and he nodded, eyebrows furrowed as he returned his attention to packing away the tent.
“Take your time. We’re not in a big hurry.”
When I went over to Adam’s tent, he was sitting inside chatting with his friend, Milly.
“Hey, Neil and I are going to head off now. I just wanted to say goodbye.”
“You’re leaving already? Was it something I said?”
“No, nothing like that. I wish we could stay longer, but Neil needs to get back for work.”
“Well, in that case, come here and give me a hug,” Adam said, drawing me into a tight embrace before releasing me. “Neil seems like a good bloke. Hang on to him.”
“I’ll try,” I said while my heart gave a sharp thud. Adam had no idea how difficult it was for me to hang on to people, specifically boyfriends. I told him I’d talk to him soon, online obviously, then headed back to Neil.
Half an hour later, we were on the road on our way home to London. The drive was silent, but my mind was loud. I’d never been so freaked out over a man before. Last night, he’d gazed at me like I hung the moon and stars, and the prospect of losing his adoration was paralysing. My feelings for him had grown in an insidiously quiet way, and now, he was in my heart and soul. He was a vital part that I couldn’t bear to lose.
We were back in the city when Neil’s phone, which he’d placed in a holder near the gear stick, silently lit up with an incoming text. He didn’t see it because he was focused on driving, but I did, and the preview that showed on the screen made my heart sink.
It was from Annabelle.
Hi Neil! So good to hear from you. I’d love to meet up again. Just name the time and place. xxx
After the night we’d shared, he’d messaged Annabelle asking to meet up? What the actual fuck? I was horrified.