"Oh, good." I didn't bother to hide the relief in my voice.
"Monday morning Doug's taking me in for the last IVF attempt."
Although she presented a cheerful facade, I sensed - and I'm sure the others did, too - a deep-seated fear. I hoped everything would work this time and Carol would carry the pregnancy full-term. She'd been going in for regular appointments, although she hadn't given us details. She'd talked briefly to the group about her fertility problems and a bit more to me privately, but not much. My heart ached for her.
To my surprise, it was Jacqueline who spoke first. "Oh, my dear, I certainly wish you success. Reese and I only had the one child and we longed for a second."
"At this point Doug and I would be ecstatic with just one." Her smile trembled.
"I so wished for a daughter."
"Didn't you mention that your son and his wife are having a girl?" I seemed to remember that from an earlier conversation with Jacqueline.
"Yes."
Jacqueline had been suspiciously quiet about her son and Tammie Lee lately. It made me wonder if something had happened that she preferred not to discuss. With her it was hard to tell. While Carol and Alix had grown comfortable with each other, Jacqueline remained emotionally distant. I had the impression that the only women she allowed into her life were her country club friends.
Alix kept her head lowered and concentrated on her knitting. "I think only people who really want kids should have them." She'd said something similar to this earlier, I recalled. She seemed to have strong feelings about it. I could only assume that was because of her own experience.
"I do, too," Carol agreed. "What I don't understand is why so many couples who love children seem to have such difficulty getting pregnant. When I think back on all the years I put off having a family, I want to weep. I thought I had lots of time, but how was I to know?" A pained look came over her.
"What about you?" Alix asked, glancing in my direction.
I was sure my face went scarlet, although why the subject of children should bother me, I don't know. In response I shook my head.
"What?" Alix demanded. "You don't want kids?"
"I'm not married."
"That didn't worry my mother. She was six months pregnant with my brother before she got around to marrying my father. It was the worst mistake of her life, she claims, but that didn't stop her from having me."
"A child can't be blamed for the circumstances of his or her birth," Carol said.
"Yeah, well, that's not the way I heard it." Alix jerked viciously on the ball of yarn. "It's no big deal. I survived."
"Surely a lovely young woman like you will marry one day," Jacqueline said, directing the comment at me.
Jacqueline had a tendency to catch me off guard once in a while. Only moments earlier she'd expressed compassion and understanding for Carol, and her comment about me being lovely - well, that was an unexpected compliment.
"Thank you, but..." I let the rest fade. I'd rather not reveal the details of my life if I can help it.
"But what?" Carol pressed.
"But - well, I don't think I'd make a very good wife."
"Why not?" Alix again. "You'd sure as hell be a better wife than my mother ever was."
This conversation was fast becoming uncomfortable. "Husbands have...expectations."
Alix looked up with a puzzled frown. "What's that supposed to mean?"
I could see the other two were equally curious. "I've already gone through two bouts of cancer. It's possible that our family has a predisposition to it."
"Do you have it now?"
"No, thank God, but my older sister had a recent scare." Thankfully Margaret's second mammogram had been clear. I'd gone to the doctor's office with her and given her the support she needed. Afterward she'd invited me to lunch to celebrate the results.
This was the closest I'd felt to my sister since I was a teenager. Perverse as it sounds, I'm grateful for the alarm that initial mammogram caused. For the first time in years, my sister and I had something in common - fear. And for the first time ever, I was the one who had the greater knowledge...and the authority of personal experience.
"Why can't you get married?" Alix asked.
I sighed. I really didn't want to get into this. "There's no guarantee the cancer won't come back," I said simply.
I discovered all three women staring at me with blank expressions.