“Do I offend you when I talk about my intimate life with Tal, Rafe, and Kade? It’s not my intention. You’re my closest friend here. I’m afraid I like to talk about everything. It helps me process all that’s happened. The last few months have been full of change for me.” She laid a hand over her still-flat stomach.
“Oh, god, Piper, you don’t offend me at all. I just can’t understand.” And Piper was such a sneaky woman. Now Alea understood why she’d been asking about the family. Piper had been backing her into a corner, and it was easier to simply answer the question she knew would eventually come. “Yes, I grew up in an open household, and yet I’m very reserved about sex. I’m sure it’s because of what happened to me in South America. I’ve been to several of the world’s best therapists. I know what my problems are.”
Shrewd eyes stared back at her. “But you don’t seem interested in fixing them.”
Alea stood up every time she talked about it, she got restless, uneasy in her own skin. “I don’t like who I am right now. It’s weird because I can remember the girl I used to be, the one who didn’t blow up at everyone, the one who wasn’t isolated. But it feels like all of that was a dream and I had to wake up. Believe me, if I could forget what happened, I would.”
“You’ll never forget, Alea. Forgetting shouldn’t be your goal. But it’s up to you whether or not you allow them to win. Though I admit, watching you continually give in to your captors is painful.”
“I’m not letting anyone win, damn it.”
Piper sent her a skeptical stare. “Tell me you don’t want those men who guard you, Lea.”
Everything always came back to Dane, Cooper, and Landon. Since the moment she’d seen them, it seemed as if her thoughts had started to revolve around them, if not her world. If she’d been the same exuberant girl who’d left for New York, she would have had all the confidence in the world to try a relationship with them. But this was now.
“I don’t want them.”
Piper sighed. “You can lie to yourself, but I know the truth. I think they know it, too.”
Tears welled, unbidden, unwanted because she wasn’t that girl anymore. “It doesn’t matter.”
She didn’t see how she could possibly be pretty enough, sensual enough, or healed enough for them—ever.
Piper leaned forward. “What happened? Did you get mad because they tried to keep that meeting secret? I don’t think you should blame them. Tal said it was his call.”
Because Tal always shouldered the responsibility. “No. This whole plot reeks of Dane, too. I can see him arguing that they needed to get the whole story before they talked to me. He wouldn’t want to worry me until they had a plan in place. He would have taken all the data and come to me with a detailed ‘op,’ as he would say.”
Piper’s eyes went wide. “It sounds like you know Dane pretty well.”
Alea shrugged. “Cooper and Landon would have argued, but Cooper can be swayed. Landon is the one who would fight him. Cooper would hesitate to tell me bad news, but Lan would just shove it all out there because he doesn’t know how to be dishonest.” She sighed. “Not that they were intentionally unkind, but, damn it, Piper. It’s my life on the line. I have a right to know.”
“I agree,” Piper said calmly. “Obviously Landon did, too. I heard he nearly got his balls kicked in. But you can be very difficult to talk to about this subject. You were the one who asked Tal to keep huge, deeply relevant portions of what happened to you in Colombia out of the reports. You understand how that hampers the investigation?”
God, she didn’t want anyone to know. She hadn’t even told the therapists everything. “They have all the information they need.”
Piper sat back with a long sigh. “No, they don’t, but you’re not going to believe or admit that. You did nothing to be ashamed of, Alea. What happened was a crime perpetrated against you. You didn’t cause it, but only you can give yourself permission to heal from it. Only you can let go of the pain and really beat the bastards who hurt you.”
“There are no winners here, Piper. Just a whole lot of losers.” Alea crossed her arms over her chest.
“Ah, there’s the bitter girl.” Piper smiled tightly. “You’ve been almost happy lately. I’ve been wondering if she’d finally left the building, but no. She’s in full force tonight.”
Bitter. Yes, that described her. She sat down again. The surroundings were so familiar. She’d been happy here at the palace long ago. Now she just felt stuck.
Alea let a long moment pass before asking the question that had plagued her for months. “Do you think it would be best if I left the palace?”
“What?” Piper leaned closer. “How can you think that?”
“Because you’re having a baby. I’m not the nicest person. I don’t mean to lash out, but I can’t seem to help it. I’m wondering if…maybe it might be best if I went away. This should be a happy time for you.”
Piper sighed and shook her head. “You see everything in the worst possible light. I’m not pointing out bitter girl to blame you. I’m simply saying that you’ve seemed more relaxed these last couple of months. You’ve even been smiling when you walk the grounds with Dane or sit in the garden with Lan and Cooper.”
Yes, she’d enjoyed all those times, but they were over now. She would likely be assigned new guards. She’d ruined everything. Maybe they’d all just give up on her now, even Tal. He could ask her to leave because she was like a wounded animal and no one knew when she would kick or bray and hurt someone around her.
“Well, I rather thought the whole sordid kidnapping mess was over. I found out tonight that it’s not. So forgive me if I can’t quite find my charm.”
“No. That’s not it. I’d hoped you were healing, but you’ve just gotten more adept at hiding your feelings. Alea, no one wants you to leave. You’re more like a sister to my husbands than a cousin. You’ll be my baby’s aunt, and I want him or her to know you. We love you for the strong woman you are. You say this isn’t a game, but in many ways it is. You didn’t mean to play, but you’re holding the cards now and you have to decide whether or not you want to win or let the bastard behind your kidnapping crush you.”
Alea shook her head. “I can’t win. I wouldn’t even know how.”