“I was caught up in the adrenaline.”
“Are you telling me it was only adrenaline?” he challenged. “It wasn’t for me. I used that as an excuse, but I wanted you very badly and I jumped at the chance to have you, no matter the cost. I was passionate about you, but passion isn’t the most forgiving mistress. It’s easy to give in to passion. It’s harder to care for someone and take responsibility. I should have taken care of you. And I’m deeply sorry.”
She softened against him, her body finding the rhythm he set in time with the music. It felt good to be in his arms, even if his logic hurt. He was completely right. “I took the chance. I knew I shouldn’t have waited to tell you about my virginity or tried so halfheartedly, but I didn’t want to stop. I knew if we talked…”
“If we’d talked, we wouldn’t have done it.” He slowed, his cheek resting against her temple. “And that is how we made a horrible mistake. We should be able to talk, shouldn’t we?”
“Did you really think I would be your mistress?”
He chuckled, the sound caressing her skin. “I wanted a way to make you mine without having to love you. So that’s where my thoughts went.” He pulled back slightly, tilting her head up. “It’s not you, Tori. Please believe me. You are the single most lovable woman I’ve ever met, but I’m hollow inside and I don’t think anything can fill me up again.”
She laid her head against his shoulder with a sigh. He’d told her as much. He’d never said it in so many words, but she knew what his wife had done to him and she’d known he considered himself damaged beyond repair. “I think one day you’ll meet the woman of your dreams and you won’t feel so hollow anymore.”
She wished it could have been her. It was better this way, she told herself. She couldn’t live in the same world as the Thurston-Hughes brothers. Tonight had proven it. She wanted to be behind the scenes, liked blending in and helping people. Being in front of all those cameras and enduring the constant scrutiny? Not for her. Still, knowing that their separation was for the best didn’t make her heart ache less.
“You are the woman of my dreams, Tori. I just can’t wake up from my nightmare. God, I wish I’d met you when I was twenty.” His hand smoothed down her hair. “I’m not a good man.”
“You are. I’ve seen you. You can be kind when you want to be.”
“I don’t want to be most of the time. I’m also not a strong man. I know it’s best if I step aside, but I don’t want to. I think that makes me selfish.”
“What are you saying, Oliver?”
“I’m saying my brothers want you and they’re willing to let me play. I would be faithful. I wouldn’t have any other lovers. I promise I would take care of you this time.”
She blinked up at him, suddenly stopping in the middle of the dance floor. Of all the reasons they could be here, she hadn’t even considered this one. “Are you saying Rory and Callum want to share me?”
His lips curled up in the most delicious smile. “You hadn’t figured that out? Yes. They’re serious about it. They’ve spent the last couple of weeks negotiating.”
“Negotiating?” Her mind was humming. It was a horrible idea. Right? Horrible. She might tear the brothers apart, so the idea was only, like, ten percent interesting. Twenty, tops. The other eighty percent of that idea was pure stupidity.
Unless… Could they keep it quiet? Could they be secret lovers?
“I think it’s what Doms do. I’m not sure. I haven’t really been to a club, though my brothers have explained the philosophy. I’m afraid Callum might talk you to death before he drags out all those toys he likes to use. Either way, don’t expect they’ll let you go without a fight. They’re willing to let me in. I’m asking if you’ll let me, Tori. I don’t know what will happen between us precisely. I can promise that I’ll respect you and care for you. I’ll always be your friend. No matter what your answer is. I’m always going to be a man you can count on.”
For anything but love.
Then again, she wasn’t looking for love. She couldn’t afford it. By the end of the week, she would be back in Dallas and moving on with her life. No matter how intrigued she was by everything Oliver and his brothers plotted, she knew she couldn’t handle this life.
“I don’t need a pledge of devotion, Oliver.”
“But you deserve one.” He frowned, his eyes crinkling as though he was attempting to figure out what to say. “I’m trying, Tori.”
She’d been so angry with him these past few weeks, but that was a useless emotion. She’d figured out a long time ago that a person had to want to be saved. Her father hadn’t wanted it. He’d given in to the grief of losing their mother. Nothing his daughters had said or done made him want to live again because he’d no longer had the will. Nothing would alter Oliver’s outlook unless he wanted to change.
Sorrow for what might have been weighed on her. The best she could do was give him some peace.
“I forgive you,” she murmured. “We’ve both made mistakes. I suspect going to bed with you again would be another.”
He sighed and leaned forward, kissing her forehead. “I hope you reconsider. I think my time is up. Tori, if I could change anything in my whole life, do you know what it would be?”
She could imagine. “Your first marriage.”
He shook his head. “No. I deserved that. I was careless and stupid and I married for all the wrong reasons. I would change what happened between us. I would go back and be gentle with you. I would make it good for you. Whatever happens, know that it’s not supposed to be like that. Your lover should make you feel like the goddess you are. I wish I had shown you that.”
Tears blurred her vision and she gripped him when he started to move away. “Why do you think you’re a bad man, Oliver? Yasmin did those things to you. They weren’t your fault.”
A shadow seemed to cross his face. “My father used to say you don’t know what kind of a man you are until you face death. How you face it is the sum of your soul. I don’t have much of a soul, I’m afraid. I don’t have much to give you and I don’t deserve you. I’ll be honest, if it weren’t for my brothers I would never have considered touching you again. Not because I don’t want to. I want you so badly I ache with it, but I care about you. I’m not good for you, but Callum and Rory won’t let me hurt you, so I’m being selfish. If you decide to give them a go, I’d like to be there. I need one good thing and I think bringing you pleasure could be it.”