“That was my child!” Gavin yelled. Years of anger threatened to bubble to the surface.
“She took the kid down with her,” Dex said quietly. Gavin couldn’t mistake the sadness in his brother’s eyes. “And that’s what you’re grieving most of all. I know. And I am so sorry.” Slade’s hands rested on his shoulders. “I’m sorry, too. I wish you’d told us sooner. We would have done anything to help you through this.”
Gavin pushed them away. “Don’t.”
Dex frowned. “Don’t what, give a damn? Don’t get pissed that you’ve wasted years of your life over something you couldn’t control?”
“Don’t forgive you? That’s what you’re really upset about it, isn’t it?” Slade challenged.
“You don’t want us to forgive you.”
Gavin sat for a minute, his thoughts racing. Slade’s words hit him squarely in the chest. He didn’t want forgiveness. He’d held the pain in for so long. The thought of releasing it terrified him. He’d hidden behind it, used it as barrier to keep him from everything that could hurt him again. He’d used it to push people away.
Like Hannah.
He hadn’t loved Nikki. He’d had some vague affection for her in the beginning—and nothing but contempt at the end. That hadn’t seemed abnormal to Gavin. He’d watched his mother and father’s utterly loveless relationship and decided he was incapable of true devotion. He’d held onto that lie until now, even in the face of his feelings for Hannah.
Fuck. He wasn’t afraid of what he would do to Hannah. He was scared of what he felt for her—and how vulnerable that would make him.
She could die or walk away. Hannah could love his brothers more than she would ever love him. Any of those scenarios would demolish him.
“You’re right. Forgiveness is scary. Your loathing would have been easier. And now I’ve f**ked up again.” Gavin let his head fall to his hands.
Regret, deep and cutting, sliced through him. He’d allowed his own fear to push Hannah away. She’d offered him everything he could have hoped for, and he’d acted like an animal.
“Because you pushed Hannah away with insults?” Slade clapped him on the shoulder.
“You’re human. You make mistakes. An apology fixes things most of the time. You’ll do better in the future. But now, it’s long past time to forgive yourself. There’s a woman in this house who loves you. Don’t push her away again because you’re scared. Do you have any idea how precious she is? She has a heart big enough for all of us.”
Gavin shook his head. “Not for me. Not after what I did earlier. God, she’ll never forgive me.
Neither will you.”
Dex’s face got hard and unrelenting. “What happened with Hannah?” This might be worse than telling them about Nikki. “Hannah found me shortly after I’d talked to the attorney. I had been drinking for a while—hard.” Slade slapped at the bottle. “Obviously.”
“Did you hurt her?” Dex demanded.
Filled with shame, Gavin nodded, reluctant to say the words that might really sever his relationship with his brothers. He had only started to understand that he wasn’t responsible entirely for what had happened with Nikki. He couldn’t say the same thing of Hannah.
He hadn’t known until this moment how much he’d needed his brothers’ support and comfort. Now it might all be gone. But he owed them the truth.
“I didn’t hurt her physically,” Gavin choked. “But I tore her heart apart.”
“Spit it out,” Slade insisted.
“I was trying to push her away. I thought it would be easier on everyone if she hated me.”
“The way you’ve been hating yourself?” Slade asked pointedly.
God, put that way, his behavior sounded pathetic. “I love her. I couldn’t stand the thought that she would find out what I had done and look at me like I was a monster.” Slade’s eyes rolled. “You don’t know her at all. She would have hugged you and told you to forgive yourself. She would have understood.”
“He knew that, deep down. But like you said, he wasn’t ready to forgive himself. Now…” Dex loomed over him. “Tell me what you said to her.”
In that moment, Gavin figured out why this relationship with Hannah had a chance. They would keep each other in line. When one of them was cranky and difficult, the other two would set him straight. They would all be there for Hannah and each other. They would be a family.
If he could find the courage to be a part of it.
“I called her graceless and classless. I told her that she wasn’t good enough to be my wife.” Gavin had been prepared for the fist that flew his way. He wasn’t prepared for just how hard his youngest brother hit. Gavin’s head flew back, the pain in his jaw a welcome wake up call.