“Who’s been taking care of you?” he demanded. “The bags under your eyes suggest you never sleep through the night any more. Your loose clothing tells me you’ve dropped fifteen pounds you didn’t have to lose. Your hair has grown at least three inches, as if you haven’t had time to cut it. You have a broken fingernail and a shoe that needs resoling. I’m going to guess your pedicure is months old, as is the wax job on your pu**y.”
Gia gasped. Jason had always been observant, but his attention to her every detail left her speechless.
He leaned closer, intent. “Stop acting as if I don’t know you. I see you. Just like I see that no one has given a shit about you in the last year as I would have.”
She couldn’t refute him. God knew she’d been horrifically lonely. She’d missed Jason so damn much that sometimes the pangs had been every bit as wracking as the physical ache of withdrawal.
“A million times, I stared at my phone, needing so badly to hear your voice.” She’d yearned for his steadiness and calm control to soothe her.
“But you didn’t,” he bit out.
“Between work and caring for the children, I didn’t have anything left to give. I knew that wasn’t fair to you. I couldn’t take without giving back. Besides…” How did she put this into words that he’d understand? “Some nights, I’d rock Bella to sleep, tuck Tony Jr. in, then spend half the night trying to reach Mila, but she’d just lie pitifully on a mountain of pillows in her bed and stare out the window as if her world had fallen apart, refusing to speak. Guilt crushed me. Why should I have what my heart desired when everyone around me was suffering so much?”
“You felt guilty for wanting to be happy?”
“That’s part of it. The other part…” She teared up. “What if I hadn’t been in Vegas with you that night? I probably would have heard about the shoot out sooner. He called for backup.”
“You weren’t on duty that night.”
“But maybe I could have gotten there—”
“That’s a lot of ‘what ifs’ and ‘mights,’ and you’ll never know the answer. Stop beating yourself up for failing to prevent what you couldn’t foresee.”
“I’ve told myself that logically. But I can’t seem to get past the feeling that I let Tony, Mila, my parents, and the kids down.” Gia pressed her lips together to hold tears at bay. After nearly a year, she’d hoped the grief would abate, but she still felt her brother’s absence every single day.
On the other hand, she’d be lying if she said that missing Jason hadn’t compounded her sorrow.
Her husband reached across the table and grabbed her hand. “You’ve endured a lot this year. If you thought you were saving me, you thought wrong. I would have been there for you. We would have faced it together.”
His tender, emphatic words nearly undid her. Tears stung her eyes.
All these months, she’d felt horrible about cutting him from her life, but tried to tell herself she’d done it for his own good. Now… Had she done him a terrible disservice? After all, he’d always seen to her welfare. On their trip to Vegas, he’d treated her like his queen. Maybe he would have stood beside her and found some way to deal with the kids and the chaos. Maybe.
But Jason had betrayed her, too.
The waiter came by and took their drink orders. For a moment, they perused the menus. Gia wasn’t hungry. In fact, she hadn’t had an appetite all day. Her nerves about this meeting had been eating her up inside. Still, she knew from experience that Jason would insist on feeding her. In the past, he never let her skip a meal. God, she’d missed his exacting care.
By the time she yanked herself from her thoughts, the waiter was setting down their drinks and asking what they’d like to eat. Gia ordered a taco salad, then sipped at her iced tea. Jason frowned and ordered fajitas. After the waiter read back their order, he departed. The sounds around the restaurant nipped at their cocoon, but silence hovered between them.
Gia broke it. “I should have explained everything sooner. I was lost and bottled up. I’m sorry I left you hanging. I was honestly trying to figure out how I could be with you again in some way without my problems swallowing your whole life. Then your phone calls to the brass forced me to ride a desk. After that, I was just furious.”
“You weren’t communicating, and I needed answers. Once I got them, there was no way I was going to let you put yourself in the path of your brother’s killer. I understand you were grieving. You were angry at the world and wanted revenge. You wanted to bring this thug down for your parents and your sense of justice.”
Gia sat back. Sometimes, she wondered if Jason knew her at all. Other times, like now, he understood her so perfectly that he scared her.
“As a husband, I was worried. As your Dom, I was giving you hard boundaries the fastest way I could.”
“You jeopardized my ability to support my family,” she accused.
“I would have taken care of them.” He clipped every word insistently.
“But they’re my responsibility.”
“Don’t start that again. We’ve covered that ground.”
“Fine. You blemished my career.”
“No.” He narrowed his eyes at her. “I brought your actions to light. You made the choice to go after that scumbag all on your own.”