why did she fear that the details would be beyond forgiveness? "I am slow to hate. You should know that And I love you."
She rested her head against his leg. "As I do not deserve to be loved . . ."
"Jehanne. Tell me. Explain to me."
"I don't know if I can. Perhaps it is simplest to say that I was mad."
"Not too surprising, that." He stopped his hand from reaching to stroke her hair. "You had just lost your babe."
"And it was possible that I had lost you as well. When I heard that news, I began to think that God had taken you as exchange for a child." She looked up. "I never meant that, Galeran!"
"Nor would God be part of such an evil bargain."
She grimaced. "I knew you wouldn't understand." She rested her head against his thigh again, so he couldn't see her face. "I'm not good like you, Galeran, and I make God in my own image. I bargained with God that I would send you on crusade in exchange for a child. I knew you didn't want to go, but I pushed you to it anyway. When I heard you were dead, I didn't really believe it, but I wondered . .. I wondered whether God had taken more man IH offered. Or if I'd offered more than I thought. I prayed for your safety. Every day I prayed. But men Gallot died . . ."
He did touch her hair then, for it seemed she weighed heavier against his leg.
"It was so sudden, so inexplicable ... I decided God had answered my prayers that way, switching items like a cheating huckster at the fair . . ."
"Jehanne!"
"I hated God." She looked up fiercely. "I did. I hated Him. I wanted comfort, yes, and a brief oblivion. But mostly I wanted to do the most evil thing I could imagine. So I seduced Raymond."
Galeran didn't know whether to rage or cry. "That was the most evil thing you could imagine?"
"Other than murdering my child, and perhaps I'd already done that."
Chill shot through him. "What do you mean?"
Her eyes widened. "I didn't! But it seemed some act of mine, some thought of mine . . . those prayers . . ." She leaped to her feet to pace the room.
"Babes don't die for no reason. Perhaps my prayers for you were answered.
Perhaps I could have either Gallot or you, and I'd chosen you. . .."
"That's nonsense. How can you be sure Raymond didn't kill him?"
She stopped to face him. "As I said before, I'm not a heavy sleeper. When have you ever left our bed and I not wake?"
"True. And you could not have been given a drug?"
"I would have known. And anyway, he would not have done such a thing.
He was fond of Gallot. He would play with him. ..."
Now Galeran leaped to his feet. "For the mercy of God, Jehanne! Is it not enough that he took my place in your bed without him dandling the son I never saw?"
It was as if he'd hit her again. "I can only tell the truth."
"Then let's not speak of it."
"Galeran . . ."
"Go away."
"Galeran!"
"Go!"
She ran, which showed wisdom, for he could feel the rage building like a fire capable of consuming everything in its path.
Galeran sank back onto the bench, trembling with it. Jehanne was right.
They needed truth to clean these wounds, but not yet. Not yet. Truth such as today's revelations was more than he could bear.
He'd had little direct contact with young children, but he could still imagine Raymond of Lowick - handsome, charming Raymond - bouncing an infant on his knee. He could hear the infant laughing, thinking of this golden god as his.
He pushed to his feet and dragged on the clothes Jehanne had laid out for him. It was time, anyway, for him to preside over a meal in his hall, to convince even the doubting that peace and harmony reigned in Heywood.
His hands paused in the tying of his braies. Peace and harmony, indeed.
She'd seduced Lowick because she hated God? It was madness, but it was just the sort of thing Jehanne would have done in her willful youth. He'd thought she'd grown out of such wild ways.
Finishing the knot, he saw the ivory rose on its table. The cracked petal was straight again, but he didn't dare touch it. She'd not meant to break it all those years ago, he was sure. Her frustration had just exploded.