Shattered Rose (Winsor Series) - By T L Gray Page 0,17

tighter then usual. I lifted up my shirt and started to find every bulge that existed around my torso. I swear my butt looked huge today too…and not in a good way. I looked over at the scale, knowing I shouldn’t get on…it would only depress me. But I did anyway, and had gained a pound. How is that possible? I just weighed two days ago!

Tears sprang to my eyes as I started to get that feeling. I knew temptation was coming and began to panic. I wanted to escape; I wanted to get this weight off of me. I could feel it crushing my lungs. I got on the scale again—sure I had read it wrong the first time…I hadn’t. Feeling desperate, I tried calling Cara. Voicemail. I started to pace the apartment, telling myself it wasn’t worth it, that it wouldn’t make me feel any better…but I knew it would. I knew it would ease the ever-increasing panic and would make me feel like I had control of something in my life.

I opened the cabinets and refrigerator. Inside was cereal, little chocolate snack cakes and ice cream. That would work. None of those things would hurt on the way back up. I closed my eyes, willing myself to be strong and slammed the doors shut as hard as I could. I ran back in my bedroom and shut the door, fighting with everything I had. I didn’t want to do it here…not here.

Fifteen minutes passed and I started to believe the worst was behind me. I walked back to the living room, but the draw of the kitchen was just too strong. I could hear my heart racing as I looked for a coke. Jackpot. I just couldn’t fight it anymore.

As I poured my cereal and took the first bite, I felt the tears well up in my eyes. I hated that I needed this, hated every part of me that enjoyed each bite I took. But with each one, my body started to relax and turn numb. After ten minutes, I had eaten two large bowls of cereal and was currently on my second snack cake. My stomach was full…so full, and it was screaming at me to give it relief. I felt my heart start to race again in anticipation, and I knew I was at that critical point. I gulped down the coke and as I felt the carbonation rise up in my throat, I leaned over the toilet and let it all come out. My body heaved and heaved as it got rid of all the food I had just stuffed down my stomach.

My throat burned and my eyes watered, but I didn’t care. It felt so good to have the calories out of me. I sat on the floor, relieved, as I felt my heartbeat start to normalize. I looked around at the mess I had made, and immediately started cleaning it.

Pulling myself off the floor, I examined my face in the mirror and wondered if I looked swollen. Not yet. Just drained…exhausted really. The anxiety was gone and the desperation had finally passed, but with that came the reality that I had yet again failed, and the guilt and shame hit me like a ton of bricks. Once again, I lost my resolve and gave into the temptation, the easy fix. I felt so weak and disgusting. No one could ever love me like this. I glanced at my phone. Cara had called me back; I didn’t want to talk anymore.

The loathing I felt for myself and for what I had done started to consume me, and as I walked back into the kitchen, I realized I had nothing to lose. The damage was done.

Apart from a small slip up when I got back to Winsor, I hadn’t had an episode in two months. I had been so sure I was healing—that I was strong enough to beat this thing. Tears clung to my cheeks as I realized how out of control it had become.

I poured the last of the cereal in my bowl and started the process all over again, hoping it would somehow take the pain away. It wasn’t until I’d eaten all the snack cakes and had a bowl of ice cream that I finally stopped.

In the end, I had thrown up five times. Five times I had intentionally wrecked my body. Stuffing it to the point of capacity and then forcing myself to get rid of it. By