had no idea whether last night’s debauch was singular or not, and he didn’t care. He could turn a blind eye to his brother’s self-destruction no longer, and he’d been determined to have it out.
In the end he’d almost missed him. Brandon was never the most furtive of people, his long, loose-limbed body casual and noisy. Now, with the limp, he made more noise than ever, and Benedick had been sure he would hear him. But Brandon knew him just as well, and he’d waited until Benedick had been deeply involved in his books, almost making it past the door before he looked up.
“I want to talk to you.” He’d sounded like his good-natured father when he was on a tear, he thought ruefully. He softened his voice. “Brandon, please.”
“Sorry, old boy,” Brandon mumbled, not meeting his gaze. “I’ve got an appointment. Can’t stand up my friends.”
“It won’t take but a minute. Come in, please.”
Brandon’s haunted face was torn, and Benedick suspected that if he hadn’t had a bad leg he would have simply gone on. But in the end he moved, coming into the room and taking a seat, staring at his older brother defiantly.
He looked like bloody hell, Benedick thought distantly. While his ravaged face was slowly healing, the unmarred side looked pale and deathly. The hollows beneath his cheekbones were unmistakable, his mouth was thin and hard, and there was a faint tremor in his hand. His eyes were the worst of all, Benedick thought. They were the eyes of a man already dead.
What had happened to the obstreperous boy who’d bounded through life like an overgrown puppy? But he knew what had happened. The full-blown horrors of war, the ceaseless pain of cruel injuries, and the search for oblivion that had followed. The old Brandon was probably gone forever. He still wasn’t ready to give up on the new one.
“I suppose you want me to apologize for casting up my accounts all over you,” Brandon said. “No, I don’t remember, but Richmond chided me quite thoroughly. It’s amazing how that old man can make me feel worse than you and our father combined. Only Mama can make me squirm as badly.”
“Unfortunately she’s in Egypt with Father, or else you might stop this horrific behavior.”
Brandon’s mouth turned in an ugly smile. “Brother mine, you have no idea of the meaning of horrific, and I see no point in educating you. And in fact I have no regrets about spewing all over you. You doubtless deserved it.”
“I appreciate the token of your esteem,” Benedick said dryly. “Are you involved in the Heavenly Host?” The question came out more abruptly than he’d wanted.
Brandon didn’t even blink. “If you’re interested in joining, I would advise against it. You’re far too judgmental.”
He almost laughed at that, having spent years being chided for not being judgmental enough. But that was the least of his concerns. “Then you are a member?”
Brandon shrugged negligently. “I gather the Heavenly Host goes by a strict rule of anonymity, which I think is rather wise. You don’t want to play cards with someone you’ve seen servicing another man the night before. Not that I have, of course.”
“Played cards or serviced men?”
Brandon smiled unpleasantly. “I prefer not to answer.”
“Are you saying you’re not a member?”
“I’m saying mind your own damned business.”
He’d controlled his temper with an effort. “I can’t sit back and watch you destroy your life. Not to mention our family name, disgraced as it already is. I had hoped there might be room for improvement, but given your behavior I think it unlikely. The Heavenly Host is going too far, and it’s all going to explode in your face. Do you want to bring that kind of shame on your family?”
“Oh, I think Father would survive. After all, he spent time among their unhallowed ranks himself. As for Mother, I know everyone will keep the truth from her.” His voice was offhand.
“And how will you look her in the eye, knowing the company you’ve kept, the crimes you’ve committed?”
“Dear brother, I have no intention of surviving long enough to worry about it.” He rose, oddly graceful despite the limp. “And I will now take myself out of your presence. I’ve already arranged for my bags to be sent on to lodgings, and you won’t have to…how did you put it…sit by and watch me destroy myself. I’ll do it quietly and discreetly.”