Shame the Devil (Portland Devils #3) - Rosalind James Page 0,172

woman’s life. But maybe I’ve accepted that I can’t control forever. I’m here right now, and I’m loving being here. Harlan and I are having a baby, and I’m so excited about that. If it doesn’t work out between us, I’ll …”

“Yeah?” Dyma asked. “What, exactly? How do you move on when you have a baby with the guy?”

“The way women have been doing since forever,” Jennifer said. “I hate to tell you, but generally, a guy doesn’t show up with the engagement ring on your first date. Or on your fifth date. And if he does—run. You take your shot. Both of you take your shot. It’s scary to date somebody. It’s scarier to love somebody. It’s a leap of faith. Sometimes, your leap doesn’t pay off. Sometimes, you fall. That doesn’t mean you don’t leap. People aren’t breakable. Or if they are, they’re mendable, too.”

“Whoa,” Dyma said. “That’s a surprisingly cynical outlook.”

“No,” Jennifer said. “You know—I think it’s something entirely different. If you’re always afraid, you hang on so tight that you lose all your chances, all the things you aren’t looking at. All the lives you could be living. You’re only living in one tiny piece of the pie of your possibilities, because you’re trying to wrap your arms around it all the time to keep from losing it. If you go on and … and give yourself, though, to somebody else, to your life, you get to live all the way. You get to love all the way. Once you decide you’re mendable, you’re free. If I hadn’t been trying to hang on to Mark, because I didn’t want to be alone, because part of me kept thinking it could be forever and that I needed somebody forever, so I kept trying to shoehorn myself into that spot, what else might I have done? What else might I have been?”

“Wow,” Dyma said. “You realize that’s basically the Tao. I mean, that’s it.”

“That’s the other thing,” Jennifer said. “You get to be smarter when you get older, too. You get to make up your own Tao.”

Now, it was two-thirty on Monday afternoon, and she was packing up, telling her new boss, a guy named Ed who looked like an ex-linebacker and probably was, whose shaved head was as polished and dark as a newel post, whose face was scary but whose command of details was legendary, “So I’m out of here, but I’ll be in early tomorrow.”

Ed would have answered, but there was somebody in the entry to her cubicle. Blake Orbison, to be exact. Jennifer had noticed that Ed tended to shut up when Blake was around.

She said, “Hey, Blake. I’m just leaving.”

“Uh-huh,” he said. “I wanted to talk to you about that.”

“Well,” she said, “could you have picked another time? I literally need to be out the door.”

Ed looked up like he’d heard a signal called that wasn’t in the playbook, which was probably about right.

“Doctor’s appointment,” Blake said. “I know. That’s what I want to talk to you about.”

“All right,” she said. “I’m not going to ask how you know that, even though I have a bad feeling. Walk and talk, then. You know I hate to be late.”

“For such a model employee,” he said, “you have an authority problem.”

Ed grinned, then wiped the smile off his face. Definitely an ex-linebacker.

“Yep,” she said. “But you knew that when you hired me. Let’s go.”

Blake waited until they were in the elevator, at least. Then he said, “Kristiansen called me today. He wanted to talk about your situation.”

“Uh-huh,” she said. “You know—I’m a grown woman. I’m not sure what all this antler-bashing is, but I think you could consider this. It’s not even my first time around as a single mom. I’ve done the whole thing before, all the way through. Not many thirty-four-year-olds can say that. And I’m prepared to do it again.”

“Slow down there, slugger,” Blake said. “I already got this today.”

Jennifer looked at him sidelong. The elevator reached the basement, and she headed for her car with Blake loping along beside her. When she had the door unlocked and had slung her laptop bag inside, she asked, “What, exactly, did you get today?”

“Basically, that he’s got this. Kristiansen.”

“That he’s got what?”

Blake sighed and ran a rueful thumb along his jaw. “That he’s looking out for you, and I don’t need to do it anymore. Told me to back off, if you want to know the truth. Let’s see if I remember this. ‘You