to my feet. It’s half an hour earlier from when I’m supposed to wake up, but I won’t be getting any more sleep anyway. If I do, I might go back to dreaming about him.
Nope. Not going there.
I take a quick shower in the small bathroom. The house Ghost and Mist provided for me is a small property on the outskirts of a village in York.
The villagers are nice and welcoming. I even found a shelter home where I read to children and listen to the women’s tragedies. Their stories bleed my heart open, but it distracts me from my own. I pour all my energy into helping them cope as they taught us in psychology lessons. Victim after-care was my top favourite class in the forces.
My ability to listen helps those women in seeing there’s someone who cares about them after being neglected for too long. Just being a shoulder to cry on can be enough for women who were made to believe they’re rubbish.
Becoming useful in those women and their children’s lives brings me a sense of being. It’s like my existence has another purpose aside from revenge.
That and…
I place a hand over my stomach. It’s not even showing yet, but I can feel the life beneath the skin.
After the first week I came here, I vomited every time I woke up and felt dizzy all day. In the beginning, I thought it was because of the shock from witnessing that man’s death and Shadow’s unfeeling eyes when he did it. I thought it was my disgust for missing him even after all that I’ve seen him do.
The morning sickness didn’t stop over the course of the second week, so I went to the local hospital. When the doctor came back with my results, I must’ve looked like I’d been stabbed because the doctor kept checking my pulse.
Pregnant.
I told her I hadn’t had sex in freaking years. I couldn’t be pregnant. Go check your machines, lady.
Then it hit me. Shadow came all over me that day at the lake house. According to the doctor, that’s enough to impregnate me. Penetration isn’t necessary as long as the sperm can enter my vagina during my ovulation period.
I’m pregnant.
Sometimes, I can’t believe it myself.
When I came here, I planned to linger for a while, stay under the radar, then call Johnny and take him up on his offer. My best shot to continue my revenge is to work underneath President Joe and destroy him from the inside.
Snitching about the factory isn’t enough. I want to see him lose everything, just like he made Mum lose her youth, her freedom, and eventually her life.
I also planned to meet Liam and Elle in secret and let them know I was okay.
The pregnancy news changed everything.
I’m sure it’s written somewhere that someone as broken and full of hatred as me shouldn’t become a mother.
However, when the doctor suggested abortion, I almost kicked her in the face. There’s no freaking way I’d kill my own flesh and blood. I love the child already. He or she calls for a deep instinct in me. Something primal and inexplicable.
I don’t really remember my mum. I remember the need to avenge her. I remember her dead eyes and a weird thing she had for humming and talking to pictures. Strangely, I don’t remember her warmth or her love for me.
In part, I hate the child version of myself for burying all good memories and just recalling the need to avenge her But maybe that’s part of why I want to be a mother with everything in me.
I’ve been counting days until I meet this baby.
But to keep them safe, I need to give up on my revenge – for now.
I also have to protect him or her from Shadow so their lives wouldn’t be a replica of mine.
My head leans against the bathroom’s wall while the cool water pounds down on me.
If only those overcast eyes would leave me alone. I replayed our last encounter a million times.
Maybe I was too harsh. Maybe I shouldn’t have called him all those names. Maybe he shouldn’t have slit someone’s throat and took a blood bath in front of me.
It’s pointless to ponder on it.
Shadow is gone from my life just like he’s supposed to.
I shut off the water and wrap my torso in a towel. Once I’m in the bedroom, I wear my jeans and a light sweater. The house is cosy and what I’d call a villager’s dream. The