In the Shadow of the Crown - By Jean Plaidy Page 0,21

from those long days of study under the guidance of Johannes Ludovicus Vives. The only thing lacking was the company of my mother. I thought of her often and used to say to myself: I wonder whether she sat here? Did she and Arthur walk along this path? It was long, long before I was born. It is hard when one is young to imagine a world without oneself.

Christmas came. It was a very merry one. I was at the center of the revelry. We had our Lord of Misrule and many masques and I led the dances.

The Countess said she was delighted that I was enjoying the fun. I had a faint impression, though, that she was keeping something from me, which brought a little uneasiness into the jollity; but in those first months at Ludlow I was a little intoxicated with my new power. I had learned that I cared passionately about my position. I had not known before how much I wanted to be a queen.

It was March when I heard the news.

The Countess told me.

“You never talk of the Emperor now as you used to,” she said.

“I think of him still,” I told her.

“But you now understand, don't you, that the betrothal was in truth a matter of state… and such are laid on flimsy foundations?”

“What do you want to tell me, Countess?”

She sighed. “Well, you have to know, but I believe it will not be such a shock as it might have been if you had not been warned. The Emperor has married Isabel of Portugal.”

I stared at her unbelievingly. Although it had been hinted that this marriage might take place, I had never expected that it would. He had been promised to me and I to him. How could he have married someone else?

The Countess was looking at me helplessly. “You were only six,” she reminded me, “and you only saw him for such a short time. It was all built up in your mind. You will see that when you look at it more clearly.”

“Yes,” I said, “it was all built up in my mind.”

I pretended not to care. But I did; and often, when I was alone in my bed, I shed tears for the perfidy of rulers, for the loss of my beliefs, for the fact that my childish innocence had gone forever.

THE EMPEROR'S MARRIAGE CAST A BLIGHT OVER MY LIFE for some weeks. I would wake in the morning and ask myself how he could have behaved so. It could not be that he had been forced to. No one could force emperors. He could do as he wished, just as my father could. And he had abandoned me.

I tried to console myself that it was simply because of my youth. Had I been as old as Isabel of Portugal, he would have married me.

I wished that I could see my mother. I thought of how sad she would be, for she had so wanted me to marry her nephew and live in Spain.

But it was not to be, and life at Ludlow was very pleasant because I had tasted power and found that I liked it very much.

It was soon brought home to me that happiness was a fleeting emotion.

The Countess came to me one day and with some hesitation made a revelation to me that I found quite horrific.

What a wonderful person she was. She thought of me at every turn, and I knew she would without hesitation put herself in danger for my sake. At the time, of course, I did not fully realize how precariously placed were those who had Plantagenet blood in their veins.

The Countess knew that she must step warily but she was not lacking in courage and would always do what she considered right, no matter what the risk. On this occasion I was sure she felt she must prepare me for what was to come.

She began: “You know, Princess, that the question of your marriage will be of considerable importance to your father. It is necessarily so because of your position.”

“Yes, I know that,” I said. “But what is the use of making engagements when no one really considers them seriously?”

“They are of importance when they are made.”

“To be honored only when people don't change their minds,” I remarked with some bitterness.

She put her arms round me as she sometimes did when we were alone. “My dearest, the difference in your and the Emperor's age was so great. You see, if you