Seven Up - By Janet Evanovich Page 0,68

to my mother. Stephanie's up on the garage roof trying to fly, Valerie would scream to my mother, running into the kitchen. Or, Stephanie's in the backyard trying to tinkle standing up like a boy. After my mother yelled at me, when no one was looking, I'd give Valerie a really good smack on the head. Whack! And then we'd fight. And then my mother would yell at me again. And then I'd run away from home.

I always ran to Grandma Mazur's house. Grandma Mazur never passed judgment. Now I know why. Deep down inside Grandma Mazur was even crazier than I was.

Grandma Mazur would take me in without a word of admonishment. She'd haul her four kitchen chairs into the living room, arrange them in a square and drape a sheet over them. She'd give me a pillow and some books to read and send the into the tent she'd made. After a couple minutes a plate of cookies or a sandwich would get passed under the sheet.

At some point in the afternoon, before my grandfather came hone from work, my mother would come fetch me and everything would be fine.

And now Grandma was with crazy Eddie DeChooch. And at seven I'd trade her for a pig heart. "Unh!" I said.

Lula and Connie glanced over at me.

"Thinking out loud," I told them. "Maybe I should call Joe or Ranger for backup."

"Joe's the police," Lula said. "And DeChooch said no police."

"DeChooch wouldn't know Joe was there."

"Do you think he'll go along with the plan?"

That was the problem. I'd have to tell Joe I was trading Grandma for a pig heart. It was one thing to disclose something like that when it was all over and it had worked perfectly. At the moment it sounded a lot like the time I tried to fly off the garage.

"Maybe he'd come up with a better plan," I said.

"Only one thing DeChooch wants," Lula said. "And you've got it in that cooler."

"I have a pig heart in this cooler!"

"Well yeah, technically that's true," Lula said.

Probably Ranger was the better way to go. Ranger fit in with the nut cases of the world . . . like Lula and Grandma and me.

There was no answer on Ranger's cell phone, so I tried his pager and got a call back in less than a minute.

"There's a new problem with the DeChooch thing," I said to Ranger. "He's got Grandma."

"A match made in heaven," Ranger said.

"This is serious! I let it be known that I had what DeChooch was after. Since he doesn't have Mooner he's kidnapped Grandma so he has something to trade. The swap is set for seven."

"What are you planning on giving DeChooch?"

"A pig heart."

"That sounds fair," Ranger said.

"It's a long story."

"What can I do for you?"

"I could use backup in case something goes wrong." Then I told him the plan.

"Have Vinnie wire you," Ranger said. "I'll stop by the office later this afternoon to get the receiver. Switch the wire on at six-thirty."

"Is the price the same?"

"This is a freebie."

AFTER I GOT wired, Lula and I decided to head for the mall. Lula needed shoes, and I needed to keep my mind off Grandma.

Quaker Bridge is a two-level mall just off Route 1, between Trenton and Princeton. It has all the typical mall stores plus a couple larger department stores anchoring each end with a Macy's in the middle. I parked the bike close to the Macy's door because Macy's was having a shoe sale.

"Look at this," Lula said to me in the Macy's shoe department. "We're the only people here with a picnic cooler."

Truth is, I had a death grip on the cooler, clutching it to my chest with both hands. Lula was still in full leather. I was in boots and jeans with my two black eyes and Igloo cooler. And people were crashing into display cases and mannequins, staring at us.

Bounty hunter rule number one . . . be inconspicuous.

My phone rang and I almost dropped the cooler.

It was Ranger. "What the hell are you doing? You're attracting so much attention you've got a security guard following you around. He probably thinks you've got a bomb in the cooler."

"I'm a little nervous."

"No shit."

And he disconnected.

"Listen," I said to Lula, "why don't we go have a piece of pizza and just chill until it's time."

"Sounds good to me," Lula said. "I don't see any shoes I like anyway."

At six-thirty I drained the ice melt out of the cooler and asked the