Seven Up - By Janet Evanovich Page 0,29

I haven't seen you in ages."

"Dude!" Mooner said to my mother.

Then he and Grandma Mazur did one of those complicated handshakes I could never remember.

"We better get a move on," Grandma said. "We don't want to be late."

"I don't want a gown!"

"We're just looking," my mother said. "We'll only spend a half hour looking, and then you can be on your way."

"Fine! A half hour. That's it. No more. And we're just looking."

TINA'S BRIDAL SHOPPE is in the heart of the Burg. It occupies half of a red-brick duplex. Tina lives in a small apartment upstairs and conducts business in the bottom half of the house. The other half of the duplex is rental property owned by Tina. Tina is known far and wide as being a bitch of a landlady, and the tenants of the rental almost always leave when their year's lease expires. Because rental properties are scarce as hen's teeth in the Burg, Tina never has a problem finding hapless victims.

"It's you," Tina said, standing back, eyeballing me. "It's perfect. It's stunning."

I was all decked out in a floor-length satin gown. The bodice had been pinned to fit, the scoop neckline showed just a hint of cleavage, and the full bell skirt had a four-foot train.

"It is lovely," my mother said.

"Next time I get married I might get myself a dress just like that," Grandma said. "Or I might go to Vegas and get married in one of them Elvis churches."

"Dude," Mooner said, "go for it."

I twisted slightly to better see myself in the three-way mirror. "You don't think it's too . . . white?"

"Definitely not," Tina said. "This is cream. Cream is very different from white."

I did look good in the gown. I looked like Scarlett O'Hara getting ready for a big wedding at Tara. I moved around a little to simulate dancing.

"Jump up and down so we can see how it'll look when you do the bunny hop," Grandma said.

"It's pretty, but I don't want a gown," I said.

"I can order one in her size at no obligation," Tina said.

"No obligation," Grandma said. "You can't beat that."

"As long as there's no obligation," my mother said.

I needed chocolate. A lot of chocolate. "Oh gee," I said, "look at the time. I have to go."

"Cool," Mooner said. "Are we going to fight crime now? I've been thinking I need a utility belt for my Super Suit. I could put all my crime-fighting gear in it."

"What crime-fighting gear are you talking about?"

"I haven't totally thought it through, but I guess things like anti-gravitation socks that would let me walk up the sides of buildings. And a spray that would make me invisible."

"You sure your head feels okay where you were shot? You don't have a headache or feel dizzy?"

"No. I feel fine. Hungry, maybe."

A LIGHT RAIN was falling when Mooner and I left Tina's shop.

"That was a total experience," Mooner said. "I felt like a bridesmaid."

I wasn't sure what I felt like. I tried bride on for size and found it didn't fit as well as big fat dope. I couldn't believe I let my mother talk me into trying on wedding gowns. What was I thinking? I smacked myself on the forehead with the heel of my hand and grunted.

"Dude," Mooner said.

No shit. I turned the key in the ignition and shoved Godsmack into the CD player. I didn't want to think about the wedding fiasco, and there's nothing like metal to wipe your mind clean of anything resembling thought. I pointed the car in the direction of Mooner's house and by the time we got to Roebling, Mooner and I were doing serious head banging.

We were strumming and flipping hair and I almost missed the white Cadillac. It was parked in front of Father Carolli's house, next to the church. Father Carolli is as old as dirt and has been in the Burg for as long as I can remember. It would make sense that he and Eddie DeChooch were friends, and that DeChooch would come to him for counsel.

I said a short prayer that DeChooch was inside the house. I could apprehend him there. Inside the church was another matter. There was all that sanctuary stuff to worry about inside the church. And if my mother found out I violated the church there'd be hell to pay.

I walked to Carolli's front door and knocked. No answer.

Mooner waded through the shrubs and peered into a window. "Don't see anybody in here, dude."

We both looked to the