The Secrets She Must Tell - Lucy King Page 0,58
exploded and she went icy cold.
Oh, God.
What if all this had come not from him but from her? From her insecurities, from her illness? What if this was the setback, possibly even the depression, she’d been fearing?
As she frantically analysed everything that had happened over the last couple of days, the way she’d been feeling, the suspiciousness, the hopelessness and the sadness, her heart began to race and a cold sweat broke out all over her skin.
She was right in the middle of it, she realised with a sickening jolt. One tug of the rug from beneath her feet, one toss of the sea and she’d tumbled into a return of the paranoia, a deadening lack of energy, of libido, and icy numbness.
That was all it had taken.
She wasn’t better, she thought as a shaft of agony and despair cut through her and she began to tremble all over. She wasn’t anywhere near better. She may never be. And it was crucifying.
‘I’m sorry, I can’t do this,’ she said, her throat tight and her eyes stinging.
‘Can’t do what?’
‘Whatever it is you think we’re doing.’
His dark gaze didn’t leave hers, but it did nothing to calm the distress suddenly whirling around inside her. ‘I think we’re building a relationship,’ he said. ‘A real relationship.’
‘We aren’t,’ she said hoarsely. Even if he was the man she’d thought he was—and God, she didn’t know which version to believe any more—they couldn’t be. She wasn’t capable of it. She wasn’t strong enough. She didn’t know if she ever would be. ‘We never have been.’
‘I disagree. Our civil partnership stopped being a pragmatic arrangement weeks ago. If it ever was in the first place.’ He stopped and took a deep breath. ‘I love you, Georgie.’
As the words hit her brain a bolt of panic shot through her, denial screaming at her. ‘No.’
‘Yes,’ he said, his eyes suddenly blazing with a heat that only emphasised how cold and confused she felt. ‘I am head over heels in love with you.’
How could he be when even she didn’t know who she was anymore? ‘You don’t know me.’
‘I do. I know exactly who you are. And I think you love me too.’
That was what she’d thought once too but now she didn’t know what to think. ‘I don’t know you.’
‘You know me better than anyone.’
‘Even if I could believe that, even if you’re right, I can’t be what you want,’ she said, her voice breaking. How could she possibly lumber him with her when she was like this? How fair on him would it be if she had a setback every time he did or said something unexpected? How long would it be before they were both walking on eggshells, communicating only about their son?
‘Yes, you can. You already are.’
‘Do you want more children?’
‘Not if you don’t.’
‘I don’t believe you.’
‘OK, maybe I would like Josh to have siblings,’ he said. ‘Maybe I would like to be part of a bigger family. But there’s surrogacy. Or, dare I say it, adoption?’
He’d already thought that far ahead? ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, growing cold with fear and desperation. ‘I can’t handle this right now. It’s all too much.’
‘Either way, Georgie, I’m not letting you go. I told you I’d keep you safe and I meant it. Whatever is going on we’ll deal with it together.’
‘No. We can’t.’
‘We can.’
‘You don’t understand.’
‘I’m trying to.’
‘It’s impossible.’
‘Nothing is impossible.’
This is, she thought, sadness and confusion pouring through her. This is.
‘I need to go.’
He recoiled as if she’d slapped him. ‘Where?’
‘I don’t know,’ she said, scrambling to her feet and taking a shaky step back. ‘Somewhere else.’
‘Don’t fight me,’ he said, his voice cracking as he rose too. ‘Fight for me. Like I’m trying to fight for you. For us.’
‘I told you before, there is no us.’
‘You don’t mean that.’
‘I do.’
‘I’ve never begged for anything,’ he said, his voice low and rough, ‘but I’m begging you. If you won’t stay for me, at least stay for our son.’
Why? What was the point? What good could she possibly be to anyone while still so ill? ‘He’ll be far better off with you than me.’
‘He needs you. I need you. I love you.’ He raked his hands through his hair, his eyes wild with confusion and desperation. ‘Georgie, you matter so much to me. The night we met I felt we had a connection that went far beyond chemistry. It was like something in me instinctively recognised something in you. And it’s only grown since then. Everything about