The Secrets She Must Tell - Lucy King Page 0,44
face masks approaching my bed in order to lift me off and put me into the coffin that sat beside it.’
‘My God,’ he murmured, visibly blanching.
‘I did warn you it wasn’t pretty,’ she said, watching his jaw tighten and his Adam’s apple bob as he fought for...well...something. ‘The periods in between were filled with the many anxieties I had over Josh. Because of the medication I was on I couldn’t breastfeed him. I couldn’t interact with him most of the time and I became obsessively worried about how that was going to affect him. Like how he wasn’t going to achieve his milestones and things because I wasn’t capable of teaching him anything. How badly I was letting him down. I was also terrified I was going to in some way harm him. Or myself.’
‘But that never happened.’
‘No.’
‘It never would have happened.’
‘I have to think not,’ she said, determined to believe it. ‘Eventually the medication kicked in and suppressed the mania but even that wasn’t easy to deal with because it put me in a fog of nothingness which was almost as horrible as what had gone on before. At least then I had the ups.’ She fell back against the pillows and gave a sigh of regret and sorrow. ‘Looking back, I don’t recognise any part of myself. I have no idea who I was. I totally lost me and that makes me sad because I’ll never be the person I was before again, and I rather liked her. She was fun and fearless. I’m not even sure who I am now.’
‘Josh knows who you are,’ he said with quiet conviction.
‘That’s what the doctors told me. It’s taken a while to believe it myself. And to believe that I will be, that I am, OK.’
‘Are you?’
‘I think so,’ she said, casting him a small smile. ‘But I’ve been here before. A relapse isn’t out of the question. And I worry about getting depression. I’ve been warned that women who’ve had post-partum psychosis can end up with bipolar disorder.’
‘If any of that happens, I’ll be there to catch you. I’ll keep you safe.’
He would, wouldn’t he? ‘Thank you.’
‘I should be the one thanking you,’ he said gruffly. ‘But in all honesty I really don’t know what to say.’
‘Then why don’t you kiss me instead?’
‘That I can do.’
He reached out and wrapped a hand around the back of her neck as she moved towards him, and captured her mouth in a soft, soul-stealing kiss that slowly swept away the memories and the anguish and replaced them with a rush of heat and want.
‘I’m sorry,’ he murmured when they broke for breath.
‘What for?’
‘Not being there for you.’
‘You couldn’t have known.’
‘The morning after the night we met, just before you left, I was going to suggest we exchange numbers.’
Her eyes widened. ‘Were you?’
‘I thought about asking you to dinner.’
‘Did you? Why?’
‘I liked you.’
‘It was just sex.’
‘No, it wasn’t.’
She had to agree, and when she fleetingly thought about what could have been if only she’d had his number her heart squeezed with regret. ‘Hindsight is pointless,’ she said quietly. ‘That me doesn’t exist anymore.’
‘Yes, she does.’
‘She’s battered and bruised.’
‘She’s brave and resilient and stronger than anyone I’ve ever met.’
God, someone should bottle him. ‘I bet you say that to all the girls.’
‘You’d be surprised,’ he murmured. ‘And in any case, there hasn’t been anyone else since I first met you a year and a half ago.’
For a moment she just stared at him. ‘Are you serious?’
‘Why would I lie?’
A good point. ‘Why not?’
‘It’s been a turbulent time.’
‘Your father’s illness?’
He hesitated and sympathy tugged at her heart.
‘You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.’
‘I would if I could,’ he said, looking utterly, hopelessly tortured.
‘But you can’t so you shan’t?’
‘Something like that.’
‘Too raw?’
He nodded and his eyes filled with bleakness. ‘Shattering. In so many ways.’
Overwhelmed with the need to comfort him, to ease his torment in any way she could, Georgie shifted and rolled him onto his back, sliding her hand down the hard planes of his body and watching as the distress in his expression slowly disappeared.
‘What happened to needing to know that Josh is OK?’ he said, his voice thick with growing desire.
‘We’ll definitely call,’ she said, giving him a slow smile. ‘But later.’
It was quite a bit later when they finally made that call. Shortly afterwards, with great reluctance, Finn dragged himself out of bed and headed off for a meeting with the hotel management, which he had a