others, who were giving their orders to the waiter. Ma was speaking to Tonya, Dad to Leo and Maria. They were all having a good time. A part of him though wished things were different. Like Dad and Ma still being married. But as quickly as that thought came to him, it vanished into thin air. The last thing he wanted was for them to be unhappy, and from what he recalled all too well, they’d made each other miserable.
Perhaps it was the sad expression on Dad’s face from time to time as they all sat there, or maybe, it was how he always asked about Ma every time they spoke. The man was still in love with her, it was obvious as hell. His marriage to Sophie was evidently not meeting his expectations, and here he was, with the ghosts, the memories of what ‘once was,’ all around him. This had to be why he’d make a million excuses as to why he couldn’t come back to Chicago.
Nix wanted more than this. He wanted his father to walk on the ground he’d lived on when he was a kid, when they were a family, long, long ago…
Maybe that was it? Did Dad fear the heartbreak all over again? The pain coming back, revisited. Dad looked at Ma with such sorrow, such love while sitting at that table, it broke his heart. The love definitely wasn’t returned. Ma had meant everything she said, and she was done, over it. She must still have some sort of love for Dad, but only in the sense that he was the father of their children. What a burden for Dad to have and forced to accept. The fact that what he thought could be, would never come to pass again.
Worry pinched his chest. He glanced at Yasmine, who was immersed in a conversation with Jamie. Some were still giving their orders, sometimes changing their mind, dragging out the entire ordeal. He’d been sitting there looking at his parents for so long, time had gone on for everyone except for him. He was stuck. Stagnant. Maybe it’s not Dad that’s stuck in the past. Shit, maybe it’s me? The truth hit him like a ton of bricks, crashing his entire reality – and now it was exposed. He could see it, feel it, so clearly.
What the hell is wrong with me? Is this what I’ve been running from? I wasn’t afraid of being committed in a relationship, thinking I’d grow bored and want new pussy. I wasn’t afraid of falling in love, and staying in love… I was afraid that that love would not being returned, or worse yet, being loved on so good, that if for some reason that love stopped, I’d be destroyed.
Like Dad.
I don’t want that kind of hurt. It scares the shit out of me. Having one-night stands, brief flings, or even falling in love but not going so deep I could never retreat… These were safe bets. I never took myself as a coward though.
Looking at Yasmine made him feel some type of way. He wanted to pull her to him, hug her, kiss her.
That’s just the risk we have to take, Nix. I’m not a fucking punk, and I’m not going to start being one now. Nothing worth having is without risk. I tell people that all the time. I have to apply it to myself; talk is cheat. All I can do is continue to be me and live without fear. What shall be, will be… And this woman next to me will one day be my wife. And we’re not divorcing, and that’s final.
“Sir, can I take your order?”
“Yeah, hey. I’d like the house salad with extra dressing. It’s just like your vinaigrette, right? I haven’t been here for a while, but I think that’s what it comes with.”
“Yes, it’s a balsamic vinaigrette.”
“Fine, and for my entree, the Carbonara, please. Oh, and Dad, I’d like to be considerate here. What would you like to drink? Anything special?”
Dad’s cheeks darkened as he smiled, and his eyes lit up.
“I want you to get any wine you want for the family, Nix. Wine is a part of our tradition, so it’s no sweat to me.” Dad threw up his hands. “As for me, I’m not gonna indulge. Instead, I’ll get something else. Do you all have a nice cider? Something like that?”
“We do! We also have assorted sparkling waters, teas, you name it.”