Jai clucked and took a wary step towards her. “That’s not true. Your dad… he made mistakes… but he loved you.”
“Not enough,” she whispered, the memory of their conversation in the woods burning in the back of her throat. “He told me so before he was killed.”
Jai stopped, his face clouding over. “What are you talking about?”
“At the woods. He told me he was selfish. That he kept me because I was part of Sala but that he shouldn’t have done that. He admitted he was a crappy father.” She paused, brushing a trembling hand across the granite breakfast bar. “Told me that he never loved me enough, that he wished he’d been able to love me the way I deserved.” The tears stopped with the confession and a cold hardness settled inside her. “This apartment is testament to how little he knew me. How little he’d cared to know me.”
She heard Jai shifting uncomfortably behind her and she turned to say something to lighten the mood only to be surprised to find he wasn’t uncomfortable. He was furious. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides and his jaw was locked with what Ari guessed was determination to keep quiet. A rush of emotion crashed over her, knocking some of that brick hardness down. Jai may be in love with someone else but he was lying if he said he didn’t care about her a little. This reaction was proof of that. “It’s OK,” she assured him. “I’m going to be OK.”
He nodded, his eyes blazing. “You deserve better than that, Ari.”
“Even after… even after everything he said… I still miss him.”
And just like that Jai’s anger shifted to understanding and before she knew what was happening he reached over and pulled her into an embrace. She stumbled against him and clutched tightly to him in surprise. She nuzzled against his hard chest, inhaling the familiar comforting scent of him. His embrace was just as she imagined it would be, his arms tight and strong around her. His heart beat reassuringly beneath her ear, albeit beating a little too fast. Ari felt safe and loved in his arms. He gave good hugs. She smiled a little, her arms wrapped snug around his waist, palms pressed to his strong back. Ari found herself wanting to dig her fingers into the muscle there and pull him closer. She managed to talk herself out of it. “You’re allowed to miss him, Ari,” Jai whispered into her ear and she tried to cover the shiver that rippled down her back at the feel of his lips next to her skin. “You’re allowed to love him. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Please.”
She nodded, unable to speak for fear she’d burst into tears. Jai had a wonderful way of destroying all of her defenses.
“Good,” he said gruffly, rubbing a large hand across the middle of her back in comfort before setting her back from him. She let go immediately, not wanting to appear like a teenager with a crush. Been there, done that.
With a quick glance at him from under her lashes she was disappointed to see his usual guardian, no-nonsense expression was back in place. She’d give anything to ruffle his feathers again like when they’d faced the Wind Demon in the New Mexico desert. Had that really only been days ago? When she’d been injured, Jai hadn’t been able to hide his concern and Ari wasn’t ashamed to admit that she’d lapped it up a little.
“Ready to head back?”
With one last glance around the apartment, Ari nodded sadly. “Let’s go.”
Focusing on home, Ari stepped into the Peripatos, a little more prepared now for the discombobulating ride back to Ohio. She wobbled unsteadily despite her preparation as she stepped back out into her sitting room. Sympathy cards littered the mantelpiece over the fire and trays of unwrapped food were spread out on the coffee table. Her answer machine was blinking with dozens of messages of support. It was such a depressing place to be.
The crackle of flames behind her barely registered with her. She was too busy staring at Charlie who was sitting on the sofa, his features angry and anxious.
“Where have you been?” Charlie snapped, glaring at Jai over her shoulder. He jumped up off the sofa and strode towards her, standing so close Ari had to tilt her chin up to meet his eyes. The warmth from his body touched her despite her inability to really feel changing temperature. She guessed she was just that attuned to Charlie’s nearness.
Annoyed at her traitorous body, Ari pressed a hand to her head, feeling a headache coming on. “We went to the apartment my dad left me.”
Charlie touched her arm. “You OK?”
She stepped away from him, trying not to be obvious. Charlie had been there for her these last few days; he’d been a great friend, and his mom had cooked her lots of food (as had many of her neighbors), so she didn’t have to worry about eating, but she was still mad. Maybe even more so now. And yet… despite how mad she was at him, she didn’t want to hurt him. Glancing down at the hand that touched her and was now falling dejectedly at his side, Ari’s eyes narrowed on his wrist. A tattoo? Since when? Her eyes flew up to his face and suddenly she realized why he looked so different. He’d cut all of his amazing hair off. “You cut your hair.”
He shrugged. “You noticed.” He sounded hurt.
Immediately Ari felt bad and that pissed her off. She snapped, not thinking clearly as she said, “I’ve been kind of preoccupied.”
Charlie blanched and Ari noted Jai taking a step towards him out of the corner of her eye. “I didn’t mean… shit… I’m sorry.”
She ignored his apology and sullenly eyed the tattoo she hadn’t known about. Was she mad at him for making her feel bad or mad at him for getting a tattoo and not telling her about it? God she hoped not. She needed to get over that crap. “What’s the tattoo say?”
The question caused him to suck in his breath and share a wary look with Jai. Ari glowered at them both. What was the big secret?
Finally Charlie sighed. “It means Justice in Arabic.”
And just like that Ari didn’t feel bad anymore. The anger came rushing back to the forefront and she glared at him. It would always be this way with him. Mike’s death was going to pollute everything he ever did. With one last cutting look, Ari turned on her heel and headed for the stairs.
“Ari, wait!” Charlie called out to her not even bothering to hide his frustration and annoyance. “You’ve got to talk to me sometime!” he snapped.
She flipped him off without looking at him and stomped up the stairs.
It was Derek’s funeral tomorrow.
Never enough. Ari fell onto her bed, tears seeping into her pillow. It was never enough…