I nodded and got up, leaving with him after giving Alex and Claud a look of reassurance.
We strolled outside into the warm evening air, the sound of The Stolen disappearing behind us. I glanced back at The Brewhouse, part of me hating the guys for taking a gig here and the other part of me a little more in love with them for doing this for Jake. He’d needed support and they were right there with him.
God, it was a wonder they didn’t all hate me for what I was doing to him.
Silence was thick between us as we walked down the sidewalk, passing other college kids enjoying their last weekend of freedom before classes started. The tension between us was palpable and the pull…
Jake walked beside me but he’d given me plenty of space, as if he was afraid to touch me. My body felt drawn to his, eager to pull him closer. I felt like I was physically fighting to keep the space between us.
Five months.
What guy comes back after five months?
I hated myself.
Jake exhaled loudly. “First, how is everyone?”
Not surprised he led with that, I said, “Better, thank you.”
He rubbed a hand over his head. He did that whenever he was unsure or uncomfortable. “I should explain something. When Andie… I kept my distance not only because you asked, but because it was the right thing to do. It wasn’t about me and I know having me there would’ve upset your parents. Not to mention it might stir things up in Lanton, with my history with the town and I… you and your parents didn’t need that on top of everything else. So me not turning up to push the issues between us was about that—it wasn’t about me giving up. And you knew that. You knew you could break up with me and not have to deal with the fallout and the questions because if I turned up, I was a selfish dick. Yet, if I didn’t turn up, I was the dick who didn’t care enough to fight, so for you it was a win-win.” He shot me a searing look, his soulful eyes making me so breathless with pain, I had to turn away. “For me… I’ve been waiting five months. Five months of hell, waiting for you to leave Lanton. Now you have and now I’m here.”
I felt sick. It was my turn to exhale. Shakily. “My being here hasn’t really changed anything, Jake.”
He huffed, “See, maybe that’s the problem. I don’t know what the situation is now. I don’t know why you pushed me away. I don’t know why you broke up with me because you didn’t even give me a reason… over the phone. I want to know why. How did we go from being perfect to being nothing?”
I didn’t have any answers that wouldn’t make me sound like a crazy person. Instead, I pulled on the attitude that had gotten me through our first breakup. “Can’t you just be angry with me, resent me, hate me, and then leave it at that?”
“Oh, I’m angry,” he said. “But I also love you, so the answer to that question is no.”
I sucked in my breath and looked away, willing the tears to f**k off. “I’m angry at me too. Okay? I haven’t been able to face you because I’ve been dealing with a lot of other stuff. You’re just not a part of that equation anymore.”
“That’s still not an answer. And I can see how upset you are right now, so I’m not believing the whole unaffected shit you’re trying to pull.” Suddenly, I felt his hand wrap around my wrist. I jerked away instinctively, knowing if I let him touch me, I’d break in an instant. Catching sight of the hurt in his eyes gutted me. “You could stop acting like this. You could just be honest and tell me what the hell is going through your head.”
“I’ve chosen them,” I said abruptly, wanting this conversation to be over. “That’s what I said to you when we broke up, and I meant it. When I pushed you away, that was me choosing my family over you. That’s all this is.”
The muscle in his jaw flexed. “Why does it have to be an either-or situation? We can work on bringing them around. That was the plan all along.”
“It’s not anymore.” I made myself meet his eyes, forcing all the conviction I could into mine. “I hurt them for you, Jake. I put you first and now I’ve damaged my relationship with them. Maybe irreparably. I have to try to fix that, so…” I shrugged unhappily, every part of my body screaming at my mouth not say it. “You and I are over.”
He lowered his gaze from mine as he rubbed a hand over the scruff on his jaw. I felt a little punch to my gut as I realized his hand was trembling slightly.
“Jake?”
A couple of kids pushed past us and Jake took that opportunity to turn his back on me, staring out across the street with his hands locked tight behind his head.
I gave him his space but waiting on his reaction was excruciating.
Finally he turned back to me. The anger in his eyes was there for all to see but his words were careful, controlled. “I thought if I came here and you had to face me, then you’d see what a colossal mistake this is. But that’s not going to happen, is it?”
“No…” I shrugged helplessly. “I’m sorry.”
“So that’s it?” he said, and I found myself growing confused by the anger and pain in his eyes and the calmness of his tone. “We’re no longer fighting for us?”
I waited until an approaching couple had passed out of earshot before I said, “We’ve hurt each other. Maybe we could get past that, but right now I have to work on myself and my relationship with my parents. You and I are a lot, Jake. You know we are. We’re drama. I can’t deal with that. Plus, I’m taking the LSATs this year so I’ll be too busy—”
“You’re what?” he said, surprise written all over his face.
I ignored the stab of disappointment I felt. I wasn’t interested in analyzing whether it came from him or from within myself. “I’m not going to be a cop.”