Ruin (Rhodes #1) - Rina Kent Page 0,102

yes. It’s definitely better than sitting in the office all day, taking care of business I don’t give a damn about. The excitement of the emergency room is much better. But I’m not doing this for people. It’s only myself that I’m concerned about. I refuse to let a trace of a voice dictate my life. I refuse to be repulsive, impulsive, and mindless. More than anything, I needed to regain the control I barely owned. To do that, the voices and the blood lust had to go. That’s why I picked up my residency where I left it off. Trauma cases are the only way I’ve found around my blood lust. The best solution to fight off blood is to exist around it every day.

Not that I haven’t tried other things. From psychotherapy to electroshocks. Although they helped with the voices, they didn’t with the urge to kill every human my eyes fell on. I also couldn’t stand psychotherapists. At one point or the other, they took Dr Linton’s image and I always ended up worse. On a rampage, I almost killed one of them with his own pen. Tristan had to interfere and clean my tracks.

Traditional methods lasted less than a month before I found myself here, in a faraway town in Australia, playing a saviour’s role. How ironic.

“Dr Rhodes.” The emergency room’s chief stands at the door, two mugs of coffee in hand. “Thought you would need this. You’ve been here for fourty-three hours.”

I accept it with a smile. “Thank you, Chief.”

He leans against the wall and crosses his ankles, looking at me with sharp wrinkled eyes.

When I take a sip, the clogged taste of coffee constricts my throat. The hospital cafeteria is abhorrent. I take another swig. I need caffeine no matter what’s the taste.

“You have to rest, Rhodes.” The chief’s white hair is hardly distinguishable from the walls. “It’s been only a year since you joined us and you’re already making everyone look bad with your dedication.”

It’s just that need this place, old man. I’m better not left to my thoughts. “I don’t need rest,” I say instead. “Being of help is more important.”

“My offer still stands. Once your residency is over in a month, I’d like to recruit you here.” He nods and turns to leave. “And your shift is over. That’s an order,” he says over his shoulders.

Screw you, old man. I don’t take orders.

If only there was a way where I can tend to trauma cases with no one forcing me to go home.

I sneak back into the emergency hall in search of one last case before I go back to my house.

. . . . .

I throw my weight on the mattress. My keys fall somewhere, my bag somewhere else. Early morning light slips through the curtains. Grey shadows cast in the room. I should eat. Shower. Act more like a human, but all my body wants is sleep.

The hectic shifts are helpful. Not only do they offer a distraction but they also make me prioritise my body’s needs before my mind’s.

My eyelids flutter closed. And there she is. Mae. No matter how worn out or half-dead I am, Mae visits me every time before slumber drifts me away. As if she made a deal with it.

Her radiating smile burns behind my lids. Her lips are wine on my tongue. Her body a soft texture in my palms. Her playful voice music to my ears. Her citrus scent ravishes my nostrils.

She owned all my senses. All. If I could argue with one, the others would knock me down.

Most my effort in the past year is because of her. I wanted – no I still want – to be worthy of her. But deep down, I know it’s impossible. I’d never be completely cured. It’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life. I would never subjugate Mae to bear this with me.

She deserves better.

So I hoped to forget her. How foolish to wish for the impossible. Neither my body nor this thing beating inside my chest could let her slip away. Mae touched them with bare hands. Squeezed them out. Emptied them of blood. Then put them back together again.

Fighting the urge to go back to her is even harder than battling with the voices or ignoring bloodlust. And that says something. I’m too weak