Royal Wedding - Meg Cabot Page 0,58

heard it from her mom who saw it on TMZ! You are a twat and a half!

But don’t worry, you can make it up to me by making me and Trish bridesmaids! And we’re not just going to be lame bridesmaids who do nothing but look good and carry your train. We’re actually going to do stuff. See the attached—we have your bachelorette party all planned out! It’s going to be at a place in Genovia called Crazy Ivan’s. You’ll LOVE it!!!!

Now I have to figure out how to explain to Lana that I do not care for BJ shots, nor do I particularly want to know what a dicklicker is.

It’s not just because I don’t care to support businesses owned by Ivan. It’s because it’s almost one hundred percent guaranteed that someone is going to photograph me wearing penis party beads and then put the photograph on the Internet. I’ll be raked over the coals . . . though of course it’s horrible that public figures can’t go out (or even stay in) and have a good time and be photographed doing it and not be judged for it.

It’s one thing to say, “Oh, have a sense of humor about it,” but there’s such a double standard. The populace does not have a sense of humor about it, especially if they feel you are somehow representing their country. Was Kate Middleton ever photographed wearing “penis party beads”? I think not.

Of course I get Lana’s plea that “we all need to spend more time together because Best Friends Are Forever and high school was the best time in our lives” (okay, well, I don’t get that part. High school may have been the best years of Lana’s life, but it was definitely not mine. Except that AEHS is where I met Michael). Yes, it would be fun to take one day off from being politically correct, but that’s much easier said than done, especially when there are cameras around, and I’m guessing there are cameras everywhere at Crazy Ivan’s, considering you’re required to take your top off as soon as you enter.

This is so sweet of you, Lana! Of course I’d love for you and Trisha to be bridesmaids.

But I think Crazy Ivan’s may not work for a number of reasons. Maybe we can settle for a private bachelorette party at the palace. We could do it at the pool. You know Lars loves nothing better than an excuse to sit on the roof with his long-range sniper rifle, looking for camera-equipped drone copters to take out.

Fine!!!! You can make it up to me by writing Iris a letter of recommendation. You know, with a letter from the Princess of Genovia she’ll be a shoo-in.

Sure, I’ll be happy to do this. What school are you trying to get her into?

Oh, the application isn’t for school! Iris has been referred as a possible candidate to the National American Baby Awards in the four-to-six-month Miss Junior Princess Division of their pageant!!!!

Lana. No. Not a baby beauty pageant.

Why? This one has more than $1,500,000 in cash, prizes, and scholarships. It says if I don’t register her, I will be denying her the opportunity to learn valuable new skills that will help empower her and enable her to accomplish her future goals.

Lana, you are being scammed.

No, I am not! Purple Iris is the most beautiful baby in her playgroup. Everyone says it. I’m sure someone spotted her there and entered her name. Or maybe from my Instagram or Facebook page about her.

Then how did they get your home address?

It’s public record. And anyway, the pageant is real, I looked it up. This is the tenth year of the program. They are dedicated to helping girls build character and appreciate their self-worth.

Your kid isn’t even one year old yet. How is this going to build her character?

It’s going to teach her how to show poise and confidence in front of an audience, the way you do, Mia, when you’re giving one of your boring speeches. Only Iris doesn’t have to give a speech because there’s no talent required for this pageant. The contestants are judged on confidence and charisma.

Lana, did you read the fine print?

The entrance fees are to offset the costs of producing the pageant.

How much are they?

It is an investment in her future!

Lana, what’s wrong with you? You used to be able to see through obvious cons like this. Did your brain slip out through your vagina along