of years, and I know the masochistic grandiosity they develop. It’s as much a part of the battered-woman syndrome as the disassociation and the depression. Do you remember when the space shuttle Challenger exploded?”
“Yes ...” Rosie was mystified, but she remembered, all right.
“Later that day, I had a woman come to me in tears. There were red marks all over her cheeks and arms; she’d been slapping and pinching herself. She said it was her fault those men and that nice woman teacher had died. When I asked why, she explained she’d written not one but two letters supporting the manned space program, one to the Chicago Tribune and one to the U.S. Representative from her district.
“After awhile, battered women start accepting the blame, that’s all. And not just for some things, either—for everything.”
Rosie thought of Bill, walking her back to the Corn Building with his arm around her waist. Don’t say fault, he’d told her. You didn’t make Norman.
“I didn’t understand that part of the syndrome for a long time,” Anna said, “but now I think I do. Someone has to be to blame, or all the pain and depression and isolation make no sense. You’d go crazy. Better to be guilty than crazy. But it’s time for you to get past that choice, Rosie.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Yes, you do,” Anna said calmly, and from there they had passed on to other subjects.
2
Twenty minutes after saying goodbye to Anna, Rosie lay in bed with her eyes open and her fingers laced together under her pillow, looking up into the darkness as faces floated through her mind like untethered balloons. Rob Lefferts, looking like Mr. Pennybags on the yellow Community Chest cards; she saw him offering her the one that said Get Out of Jail Free. Rhoda Simons with a pencil stuck in her hair, telling Rosie it was nylon stockings, not nylon strokings. Gert Kinshaw, a human version of the planet Jupiter, wearing sweatpants and a man’s V-necked undershirt, both size XXXL. Cynthia Someone (Rosie still couldn’t quite remember her last name), the cheerful punk-rocker with the tu-tone hair, saying she had once sat for hours in front of a picture where the river had actually seemed to be moving.
And Bill, of course. She saw his hazel eyes with the green undertints, saw the way his dark hair grew back from his temples, saw even the tiny circle of scar on his right earlobe, which he’d once had pierced (perhaps back in college, as the result of a drunken dare) and then allowed to grow back over. She felt the touch of his hand on her waist, warm palm, strong fingers; felt the occasional brush of her hip against his, and wondered if he had been excited, touching her. She was now willing to admit that the touch had certainly excited her. He was so different from Norman that it was like meeting a visitor from another star-system.
She closed her eyes. Drifted deeper.
Another face came floating out of the darkness. Norman’s face. Norman was smiling, but his gray eyes were as cold as chips of ice. I’m trolling for you, sweetie, Norman said. Lying in my own bed, not all that far away, and trolling for you. Pretty soon I’ll be talking to you. Right up close, I’ll be talking to you. It should be a fairly short conversation. And when it’s over—
He raised his hand. There was a pencil in it, a Mongol No. 2. It had been sharpened to a razor point.
This time I won’t bother with your arms or shoulders. This time I’m going straight for your eyes. Or maybe your tongue. How do you think that would be, sweetie? Having a pencil driven straight through your quacking, lying t—
Her eyes flew open and Norman’s face disappeared. She closed them again and summoned Bill’s face. For a moment she was sure it wouldn’t come, that Norman’s face would return instead, but it didn’t.
We’re going out on Saturday, she thought. We’re going to spend the day together. If he wants to kiss me, I’ll let him. If he wants to hold me and touch me, I’ll let him. It’s nuts, how much I want to be with him.
She began to drift again, and now she supposed she must be dreaming about the picnic she and Bill were going on the day after tomorrow. Someone else was picnicking nearby, someone with a baby. She could hear it crying, very faintly. Then, louder, came a rumble of thunder.