The keyboard beckons me to type something, but I’m at a loss. I feel so much but have no idea how to say it, or if I even should. I feel like I’m playing with fire here, letting him in. The last thing I want to do is lead him on or get myself into something else I can’t deal with, like the mess I created with Tim and dinner.
Lukas: I know the age thing bugs you. I know you’re used to being with guys with short hair and no piercings who have swanky office jobs. I know I’m not what you would ever look for or want.
My throat tightens. It’s true . . . but he is so much more than that. Slowly, I’m seeing that. He’s special. Unique.
My phone buzzes again.
Lukas: Just give me a chance. I’m not a fuckup. I know what I want. Stop thinking about ages and looks. None of that matters.
Me: I have never thought you were a fuckup. Quite the opposite, actually.
Lukas: Good
Me: I should go to sleep. Thank you for the drawing. I can’t wait to see it.
Lukas: Sweet dreams
I toss my cell phone to the side of the bed and roll over, hugging my pillow. It’s still hard to sleep here in this room without Paul. We lived and slept here together for so many years that now it feels haunted with memories of him, like he is going to walk through the door at any moment. I’m starting to believe I really do need to sell this house and start over with new surroundings that aren’t tainted with memories.
My phone beeps again. Shaking my head and smiling, I reach for it, and what I see makes my heart literally jump. It’s a black and white photo of Lukas, lying against a black pillow, his hair falling over half his face. He’s naked from the waist up, covered in tattoos. A large cross hangs around his neck, resting against his muscled chest. He’s got a finger held to his lips. The room is dim and shadowy, and he looks hot as hell. I tear my eyes from the photo and read the word he’s typed in the next text message.
Shh . . .
Rest your mind, my love
I shall see you in our dreams
Open your heart, my love
I shall cherish you always
Shh . . .
There is only you and I
No need to be afraid, my love
Shh . . .