“I could stay with you for a few days so you’re not alone.”
“I like being alone. I’m used to it.” My voice sounds flat and empty, even to me.
He glances away from the road for a moment to read my face. “You don’t have to be. I know what it feels like, Vandal. My life wasn’t much different than yours. The difference is that now, I’m trying to make it better.”
I stare out the window and into the trees. “I let myself get close to Katie and now she’s gone, Lukas. I think it’s pretty clear I was never meant to have a family.”
“You still have the rest of us. We’re not going anywhere.”
I know Lukas had a fucked up childhood, as I did. Born six years after me, our father abandoned him when he was just a baby with an eighteen-year-old mother, who gave him to her grandparents to raise until they passed, and he ended up as a teenager in the foster system. When we met for the first time five years ago, he was so excited to have a big brother and a bunch of cousins that neither one of us had ever met. Of course I was a huge disappointment as a brother, being the anti-social asshole that I am. And how could I compare to our perfect Valentine cousins and their equally perfect parents?
The kid didn’t give up, though. He was determined to be a part of my life, and for us to walk into the welcoming fold of our new family. Slowly, slowly, I’ve tried to let myself accept these people as family, and they’re actually pretty cool. I still struggle with it, though.
Lukas pulls into the long driveway of my house and puts the car in park.
“Should I come inside with you?” he asks.
I shake my head. “No. I need to do this alone.” I stare out the windshield at the house, which looks lonelier than ever. “Lukas, thanks for being there the past few days. You know I’m not good at this shit and my head is really fucked right now, but I do appreciate you being around.”
“Anytime. If you need anything, just call, okay? I don’t care what it is, or what time it is … anything.”
I reach into the back seat and grab my bag. “Thanks, man.”
He coughs and hesitates for a second. “Tomorrow … I can come and get you, we can go together.”
My chest tightens up at the thought of tomorrow. I want to somehow stall time and put off tomorrow for a few years. Fuck, put it off forever. I’m not ready to bury my baby. I will never be ready to say goodbye to my Katie.
I press my fingers against my forehead. “Uh, yeah. I think that might be good. I don’t think I can …” I swallow hard and fight back the tears threatening to start and never stop. I can’t fucking deal with any of this.
“Vandal, say no more. I’ll be here in the morning. I’ll have Ivy meet me there. Are you gonna be okay?”
Letting my head fall back onto the seat rest, I shake it back and forth. “Fuck no. I’m never gonna be okay again, Lukas.”
“We all loved her. She was a great little kid. But you gotta try to just hang on, ya know? I know all this shit is tearing you apart, but don’t let it drag you under. Okay?”
“Yeah,” I say absently. “Be here tomorrow.”