“Trust me, baby, it ain’t pretty. The more you know, the less you’re gonna like. Be glad you’re in the dark.”
I leave her in the kitchen and sink into the couch, wondering how shit can go so bad so fast. What the fuck?
“Are you going to do that to me too? Fuck and go? Spank and go?” she asks, stalking into the living room.
That is not a question I can easily answer right now, but I have to or she will keep digging at me. She wants to know where she stands, which is only natural. Women like labels, titles, and definition. Unfortunately, I am so messed up in the head that I really don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I acted on crazy impulses, one after the other after the other, and now I’ve got this girl in my life that I know I shouldn’t have but all I can think about is keeping her. And she’s fucking clueless, getting mind-fucked left and right, giving into dark desires, giving me permission to dominate her in the hope that she’ll get out of the hole of grief she’s in, and find what? What is she hoping for? I don’t know. But let’s be fucking honest here: I’m digging her out of one hole and putting her into another one.
“You can’t even answer me. Fuck you.” She stomps down the hallway and slams the bedroom door. I let her. Going after her is just going to fuel the fire that’s burning in both of us right now.
I pinch the bridge of my nose and focus on calming my breathing. I need to regain control of our relationship, and stay in control at all times. She keeps skewing me off, distracting me from my role, and that’s my fault. I took responsibility of her when I brought her here and invited her into this with me. It’s my responsibility to teach her and guide her, protect her. I lean back against the couch and meditate, calmly making a mental list of everything I have learned and need to adhere to.
~ Submission is a gift that should be cherished.
~ Respect is earned and not demanded.
~ Subs require patience and guidance.
~ We both learn through our mistakes together.
~ I must be in control of my emotions, actions and addictions at all times.
~ Every action I take and decision I make must be made with her well being in mind.
~ I cannot allow myself, or her, to become too emotionally distant.
~ We must have mutual trust for each other.
~ Mind-fuck with care.
~ Communication is paramount.
~ Know her limits, push them slowly. Teach her my limits.
~ She controls me just as much as I control her.
~ Our most important tools are: mind, body, spirit, soul, and love.
~ Love and trust are the only bindings that truly hold us together.