Road Tripped (Satan's Devils MC Utah #1) - Manda Mellett Page 0,147

to keep on the right side of Drummer. It’s on the tip of my tongue to offer up my room, when Road offers his and no more are needed. Which brings me to another issue.

It’s clear Road expects to share mine.

There are selfish reasons why that’s a good idea. One, I’d get a chance to see whether those orgasms could be repeated, and two, I wouldn’t have to be alone in the quiet of the night.

But what if it hadn’t been a fluke with Road? What if I find he can do a repeat and I enjoy it just as much, or now we’re starting to learn each other’s bodies, possibly even more? What if I lost my patch and he stayed with the club, or Drummer let him go back to Tucson, but disbanded Utah? I wouldn’t be welcome in Arizona, I know that. Could I let him walk out of my life when I’ve found a man who gives me such sexual pleasure? I almost want it to fail to meet expectations again. That way I wouldn’t be faced with disappointment.

There’s also the problem that I can’t live my life depending on someone else. It’s not fair to expect Road to give his life up just because I need him. If there’s no Utah club and he has the chance to go back to Tucson, I can’t keep him. I’ve got to bite the bullet sometime and get my PTSD under control. Find ways to cope with being deaf, as had been suggested, having battery-powered adaptations which don’t rely on electricity. As long as I keep them charged. Thinking it is the easy part, but it will look different when panic creeps in when the night falls silent.

I lower my head in my hands and rub at my temples.

It’s only a week since Road walked into my life, and now, when circumstances may dictate our next move, I know I don’t want to lose him. He keeps me safe when I’m unable to protect myself. I need him, but does he need me?

I can’t rely on Road. I might end up using him as a sexual toy and for company.

What’s wrong with that? the devil on my shoulder asks.

Because that’s not who I am., the sensible angel on my other replies.

“I’m assuming I’ll be in your room.”

I startle. My hearing aids might be switched on, but so lost in my thoughts, his approach takes me by surprise. And Road’s assumption and the way he asserts it, makes me snap. “There are perfectly good couches here.”

He stares at me, then shakes his head. “I thought you’d appreciate the excuse to have company.”

I shrug. “Yeah? I’ve managed alone up to now. The clubhouse is full Road, if something happens, they’ll warn me.” Why I’m pushing him away, I don’t know. What has changed since this morning? Only everything. I’d wanted time to explore whether we had something going, now I’ve got to cope with not having what I wanted. Using Road isn’t the answer. Relying on myself, as I’ve always done, the only sensible way forward.

“Swift, please.” His voice softens, then he frowns, and examines my face. He sighs deeply, and his shoulders slump. “Okay. Of course I’ll sleep out here. Christ, Swift. I wish we were back to this morning.”

That he doesn’t argue, that he, too, realises everything is changing, makes me feel guilty, and I rethink. “Your leg, you won’t get comfortable.”

“I’ll be okay.”

It’s not just that I don’t think the couches are long or wide enough for him to get a good night’s sleep, it’s that I know I’ll toss and turn all night, not just because I no longer trust technology to keep me safe, but I’ll be berating myself for not allowing myself the pleasure I’d find had I given in to the man sleeping one floor down. That’s not all. I’ll hate myself for disappointing both me and him. I enjoyed having him lying holding me, and not just because of his cock.

“We need to talk.” I glance up at him through my eyelashes.

Once again, Road proves he’s not just a pretty face. “Laying ground rules?”

I raise my chin. “Foundations, perhaps. Which could be for nothing. Who knows where any of us will be tomorrow?”

Road glances around. Some brothers have disappeared, either to get food which I don’t think I’d be able to digest, some to show our visitors to their beds, or give them a guided tour as there’s not much point hiding