“I’m glad you stayed,” I say, leaning my head on his shoulder. I try to ignore the unease that starts to prickle my skin.
“Me too,” he says quietly.
We’re silent for a time. Then, “Dad?”
“Yeah?”
I don’t think I’ll be able to get the words out, but I have to try. “Why did you have to go?”
And when he speaks, I already know the words he’s going to say. I already know because I’ve said the same things to Michael. I’ve said the same things to Michael, and he told me things in return. About my father, about Cal. About the design of the world. About Seven and the child’s shadow on the wall. But I can’t seem to get his final words out of my head, about receiving a gift and my duty as a son. I am supposed to stand, but I don’t know for what. I am supposed to make a choice, but I don’t know what that choice is.
“I didn’t want to leave you,” my father says, looking down at the water. I follow his gaze and see his reflection in the water staring back up at us. “That was the last thing on my mind. I just… I couldn’t just sit by and let these things happen. I couldn’t let Roseland be taken over like I knew it would be.” He frowns. “I overheard Griggs and Walken talking one day, and I just couldn’t let it go. It wasn’t right.”
“You made a sacrifice,” I say, understanding my own words for the first time. Hearing them from him is different than hearing them from Michael or myself. It actually means something; it has truth behind it.
“Although I wish I hadn’t, now.”
I’m surprised at this. “Why?”
“Because it took me away from your mom. It took me away from Abe. It took me away from my life and everything I had in it. But most of all, it took me away from you.”
“I was angry,” I admit hoarsely. “For a long time.”
“I know. I could feel it. I could feel it here, like a storm was brewing somewhere far away.”
“I’m sorry.”
He snorts. “You shouldn’t be the one apologizing, Benji. You didn’t do a damn thing wrong. I know these last few months have been hard on you.”
I’m cold again, and it has nothing to do with the water. “Dad?”
“Yeah?”
“How long do you think you’ve been here?”
He frowns again, lines forming on his forehead. I can tell he’s thinking, because his tongue appears between his lips, a thing he’s done since I can remember. He twitches his fingers on my shoulder and moves his lips, like he’s counting, or at least trying to. It’s taking longer than I think it should, and the unease gets stronger. “Four months?” he finally says, sounding dubious. “Maybe a little bit longer?”
I shake my head, not trusting myself to speak until I have some sense of control. I swallow past the lump in my throat. “It’s been five years,” I say.
“No,” he whispers. “That’s impossible.”
It’s improbable, a voice whispers in my head.
“Trust me, it’s not,” I say, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice. “You… died five years ago.”
“It’s… you’re twenty-one now?” He sounds shocked.
“Yeah.”
“I’ve missed… I….” He slowly drops his hand from my shoulder as he looks back to his reflection in the water.
“You didn’t know?”
He shakes his head. “The River Crosser, he told me time could be a bit… funny here. I didn’t listen to him because there were other things on my mind. He warned me about a lot, I guess. I just didn’t listen. I had to….”
“Had to what?”
“Protect you,” he whispers. “I had to make sure you were okay. I was so scared for you, Benj. I was angry with myself because I couldn’t be there to protect you like I wanted to. I tried to do the right thing, and it got me….” He stops himself before he can say the word we’re both thinking. “I didn’t do my job as a father. My priority since you were born has always been you, and I let myself get distracted. I’m sorry, Benji. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” I tell him. “You did what you thought was right.”
“But you said you were mad.”
I shrug, looking away. “I was. Maybe I still am. But… I don’t know if it’s at you anymore. I don’t know if I can be mad at you when you’re sitting right here next to me.” I take a deep breath,